Run

The urge to flee is coming back again. The impulse to walk away and not look back. To leave it all behind me. Where I'm at and what I'm doing isn't getting me anywhere, so why keep at it? Why keep going through the motions? I'm emotionally checked out; I really don't care about much of anything. My cat, pretty much, I guess. I need to come home to care for her. I have no family, no loved ones, none of that, just a little white fluffball keeping me from making impulsive decisions. I know good choices from bad ones, the issue is do I care about the consequences? So far, the answer remains yes. I have the feeling that even though I don't care now, I will eventually, and I don't want to ruin it for my future self. That's what's been keeping me going in the general right direction for years now. But, here I am, that future self that I looked towards six years ago, and I'm still in the same spot I was back then. What was I holding out for? My strings of mostly good decisions haven't really gotten me very far, have they? For now, I'll continue to gamble on a fate that I'll get better, that I'll finally begin to care properly, but how long is this going to last me? When will I give up on that hope? What will happen to me when I do? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, I hardly know any answers. Who am I to try to help the kids that I work with? I know that what I preach doesn't work; at least it never has for me. Maybe they're different. Or maybe I'm different from them. That's what everyone wants, right? To be different, unique? That their troubles really are different from everyone else's, that there's a reasonable explanation why things haven't turned out right? I feel like my situation is different, but it likely is not. I'm probably experiencing what people have been going through for the span of our history; a sense of isolation coupled with a desire to be a part of something. An impulse to act against the system, all the while wishing that you fit into it somewhere. I don't really know where I'm going with all this, but then I don't really know where I'm going ever. I know my routine, but what will happen when that day comes that I shatter it? When I take that bus across the country instead of across town? When I walk away from it all? Will that even happen, or will I stay vaguely contented to keep dreaming? We'll see...

Why am I getting so dark again? I've been in a decent space for a while now, but I feel things taking a wrong turn. I wonder if it's the new medicine that I'm on, or the lack of good long sleep? I've been waking up hours early this last week. It could be from this unending chest cold, or from the change in medications, or some other things that I haven't thought of yet. I need my friends... I need people to keep me on the healthy path and not spiraling down. The urge to just numb it all away with a handful of pills is a strong temptation, but it's easier to resist when there's something worth feeling - something like the happiness of hanging out with good people instead of the dull monotony of sitting at home alone and bored on my computer...

It's about noon now, so off to bed.

Another New Partner Coming Soon

My partner at work is moving to the back end of the week, so I'll be getting a new partner soon (within the next few weeks). This will be my 5th partner since starting there. I put up a call on Facebook to see if any friends are interested in the spot; it'd be nice to work with someone I know.

Jealousy

I was watching Glee, and I was reminded of the one time I really saw 'Sticks get jealous over me: I was listening to my buddy Switch's "Strange Brew" mix of 80's hits (mostly, I think), and "Jesse's Girl" came on. 'Sticks just about lost it... He couldn't believe that Switch had the ...something to include that in the mix.

Contacts

I went to the eye doctor today, and now I've got contacts again. I've wanted to be wearing them since I had to stop wearing contacts 4 years ago; I just kept wearing glasses to keep Jesse happy - he loves glasses. I had to go without contacts due to overwearing them and hurting my eyes, but now I can and will wear contacts again.

Who knows me?

I came to the jarring realization tonight that only one person that I see with any regularity knows anything of my own backstory. Most of my friends have only known me a matter of months; I joined a new social circle last summer, and it's been great getting to know these folks but none of them know my history. Switch has been my friend for 9 years; we went to school together for a year, and he's met some of my family and kinda knows where I come from. He's the only one who knows much about me. My coworkers who I see throughout my 40-hour workweek have all known me less than 2 years, and I've rarely spent time with any of them outside of work.
My friends just don't know that much about me; they weren't my friends when I was younger and still developing as a person. They don't know where I'm coming from, just who I am now. No one knows why I was hospitalized back in '04, or even that it happened. No one knows why I slept alone in the backyard as a kid some nights. Who even knows what goes through my head these days, as an adult trying to get by? I can put on a smile and be a goofball, and throw a verbal jab in at a good moment now and again, but I don't really open up much. I don't think I would be quite so accepted if I let my let my guard down and showed my true colors more often. A buddy is still laughing over a jab of mine over a month ago, because I was the "sweetest person at the party", and he just couldn't believe that I'd said something sharp. Part of me is sweet, for sure; I wouldn't be working where I am if there wasn't a big part of me that wanted to help other people. Other elements of my personality are far from sweet, though. Maybe not mean, but wounded and lashing out perhaps. I don't know... I don't feel like looking more deeply at myself right now.

I've been sick all week, and it sucks. This cold is kicking my ass, and it's not even that bad, it just won't go away. I lost my voice; it's coming back now, but still cracking and rough. The cough is starting to ease up, which I take as a major good sign. Hopefully I'll be better in another couple days; sitting around my apartment is getting REALLY boring. I want to be out and about, not stuck in my living room all day (well, night) long.

Sick Again

I'm sick... Have been for a few days now. My friends have been taking good care of me. I've had three friends come over to hang out with me, one of them brought soup for me. I've also had another friend offer to bring me soup. :) They're looking out for me. I'm going to have to go back to work tonight, I've already taken two days off, but maybe my boss will let me leave early or something. I don't want to get the kiddos sick; sick kids are more trouble. I also don't want to work myself too hard while I'm still on the mend.

Medical Business

I'm taking care of my medical needs today that I've been putting off for the last few weeks. I've made an emergency dental visit for tomorrow to deal with my toothache that's certainly a cavity (I was told so by an former dentist of mine, who never got around to treating it or anything else...), a new patient dental appointment for a cleaning and whatnot, made an eye exam so that I can get contacts again, and called my psychiatrist about the med side effects and to let him know that I do want to go forward with our plan to have me change medications. Business: check. Now time for sleep, and the game this evening. GO DUCKS!

Making the Best of It

I've been trying to look at things with a positive spin lately. I'm prone to getting down, but I'm trying to keep that in check with frequent re-framing. New Years night turned out better than expected even though things didn't go the way I'd originally wanted. The mood swings are still happening, but the lows aren't too low right now, so I can keep that in perspective. My social calendar may not be packed, but I hang out with friends most every weekend. Hehe, and I'm up to level 11 in my replay of New Vegas - I really dig that game. My new bed is cozy, and Chaos is snuggly as ever!

A New Year

This New Years was alright. I had plans to go out with a friend of mine, but ended up getting blown off (or at least that's what it seemed like at the time; I found out later that he was helping console a group of friends after a suicide). I went out to MVP to hang out with Switch and his girly. I had one rum drink and kinda just sat around depressed until midnight; then I drank 3 glasses of champagne in about 20 minutes and got really buzzed. I followed that up with two more rum drinks and another glass, and ended up dancing and laughing, and being totally drunk. There was a guy who came up to me and was telling me how I should get up and dance and have some fun (not being creepy, just being nice), but I said that no, I was too drunk and that I'd probably just fall over. I remember that he smelled like he'd been eating a candy cane, lol. The next song my friend grabbed my hand and tried to get me to dance for like the fourth time that night, and I finally gave in. I probably looked pretty silly, because I'm not much of a dancer and my balance was pretty poor by that point. The guy came back up to me at the end of the song and said something like, see, I told you you could! At the end of his set, Switch was just plain laughing at me because I was very clearly drunk, and I don't usually get that bad. The night turned out better than I thought it would.