"A Praise Chorus" - Jimmy Eat World

Are you going to live your life wondering
Standing in the back, looking around?
Are you going to waste your time thinking
How you've grown up, how you missed out?
Things are never going be the way you want
Where's it going to get you acting serious?
Things are never going to be quite what you want
Even at twenty five you got to start sometime

I'm on my feet,
I'm on the floor,
I'm good to go
And all I need is just to hear a song I know
I Wanna always feel like part of this was mine
I Wanna fall in love tonight

Are you going to live your life standing in the back, looking around?
Are you going to waste your time?
Gotta make a move or you'll miss out
Someone's going to ask you what it's all about
Stick around nostalgia won't let you down
Someone's going to ask you what it's all about
What you going to have to say for yourself?

Crimson and clover over and over
Crimson and clover over and over

Our house in the middle of the street
Why did we ever meet?
Starting my rock'n'roll fantasy
Don't let's start
Why did we ever part?
Kick start my rock and rolling heart

I'm on my feet,
I'm on the floor,
I'm good to go,
So come on Davey, sing me something that I know
I Wanna always feel like part of this was mine
I Wanna fall in love tonight

"Waiting For My Real Life To Begin" - Colin Hay

"Fuckin' Perfect" - Pink

I don't like the sex scene at the start of the music video, but the song and the rest of the video are so awesome I'm posting it up anyway.




"Fuckin' Perfect"

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

Pretty, pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing than you're fucking perfect to me
(you're perfect, you're perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

"Lonely Girl" - Pink

"Motivation" - Quietdrive (Again)

"Just take my hand and break my heart tonight" - That's still the gamble...




See you right around the corner,
I know that you were getting closer
It dawned on me, it dawned on me
That you could be the one for me
But I'm sure you've heard it all the time,
I just look like the other guy
Next to me, next to me,
Next to me, next to me

Let's go home together,
You'll say that,
"It's good for me,"
"You're good for me"
But it's all in my head
When I wake in my bed,
I'll know

I've got no motivation,
I get no stimulation
You could be, you could be
In love with me,
We will see that
I've got no motivation,
Give me some motivation
In this life, in this life, in this life, in this life

And I know you're not
One of those girls
Who takes her time
She'll come for me, she'll come for me,
She'll come for me
I'm not gonna wait for eternity,
For you to take your turn with me,
Turn with me, turn with me

I've got no motivation,
I get no stimulation
You could be, you could be
In love with me,
We will see that
I've got no motivation,
Give me some motivation
In this life, in this life, in this life, in this life

Baby, it's fine
If you want to be mine
Just call out my name,
Don't wait in line
Just take my hand,
And break my heart tonight

I've got no motivation,
I get no stimulation
You could be, you could be
In love with me,
We will see that
I've got no motivation,
Give me some motivation
In this life, in this life, in this life, in this life

Take me home with you,
I can't go alone
And take me home tonight

"Dakota" - Rocket to the Moon

This song is awesome... I saw these guys live last year, and this is the only song I really for-sure remember hearing during their set.




"Dakota"

She knows exactly what to do,
Whenever I'm alone with her.
I can barely make her move
By the time she opens up her eyes
She sings to me at night
She sings
Badabupbupbudupbubububada [x2]

I know that she barely knows me
And I'm faking love with her
It's like I'm singing karaoke
And I forgot the second verse
But I, can make up my own words

Oh Dakota, I know our love is new.
I barely know ya
I'm falling over you
It's the way you do, the things you do
That make me fall in love with you
Dakota, are you in love with me too?

She's got a little bit of money and a little bit of this
And it's all she needs to live
I've got a little bit of love, and a little bit of that
And it's all I have to give
This time I'll try not to show, whoa
That I am not letting go

Oh Dakota, I know our love is new.
I barely know ya
I'm falling over you
It's the way you do, the things you do
That make me fall in love with you
Dakota, are you in love with me too?

I'll show ya, I'll show ya
And you'll know, and you'll know, and that I'm not letting go
Badabupbupbudupbubububada [x2]

Oh Dakota, I know our love is new.
I barely know ya
I'm falling over you
It's the way you do, the things you do
That make me fall in love with you
Dakota, are you in love with me too?
Well I'm in love with you, are you in love with me to

"Escape from Capitol Hill" - Broadway Calls

This is a local Portland band, and I can't help but wonder if they're referencing the same Capitol Hill Elementary School that I attended...




Kids don't venture out after dark!
Your best moves can't compare to,
Their words, their skills, their violent tools.
Kids don't venture out after dark!
Trust me this place will soon be,
Cold, dead, and we will all be free.

Won't settle for their answer this time
Won't settle for the answer this time.
We won't settle for it
Won't settle for your answer this time
We're breaking walls and we'll end up just fine.
We won't settle for it.

Kids don't venture out after dark!
Old habits are dying tonight
We'll set the fires
And we'll watch the smoke rise
Kids don't venture out after dark!
Trust me this place will soon be,
Ashes charred as black as can be.

"One Song Glory" - Adam Pascal (RENT)

For me, it's not a song, but... That one thing that make a real difference. I'm still searching for it, and I hope I find it before my time runs out.





Lyrics (Sung by Roger):

One Song - Glory
One Song - Before I Go
Glory - One Song To Leave Behind

Find One Song - One Last Refrain
Glory - From The Pretty Boy Front Man
Who Wasted Opportunity

One Song - He Had The World At His Feet
Glory - In The Eyes Of A Young Girl
A Young Girl
Find Glory - Beyond The Cheap Colored Lights
One Song - Before The Sun Sets
Glory - On Another Empty Life

Time Flies - Time Dies
Glory - One Blaze Of Glory
One Blaze Of Glory - Glory

Find Glory
In A Song That Rings True
Truth Like A Blazing Fire
An Eternal Flame

Find One Song
A Song About Love
Glory From The Soul Of A Young Man
A Young Man

Find - The One Song
Before The Virus Takes Hold
Glory - Like A Sunset
One Song To Redeem This Empty Life

Time Flies
And Then - No Need To Endure Anymore
Time Dies

New Start (Again)

Looking over my blog, I see that I haven't posted much but videos over the last several months. Recap: Phoenix and I broke up at Fair mid July; the day I got back to work after Fair, I was fired for missing a suicide check on a child before I left; I had to go through a bunch of red tape to get unemployment benefits, because my former employer was classified as an "educational institution" and it was "Summer Break" right then; said former employer appealed my unemployment benefits, and a Hearing was scheduled before a Judge; I won my Hearing and retained my benefits; all the while, Phoenix and I kept dating, even though we'd broken up; a week and change ago Phoenix and I hit our breaking points, and really, actually, ended it.

So here I am, starting out fresh again. My job hunt has been so far unsuccessful... I started playing in a weekly D&D campaign, so I've got something fun to do with a (mostly) new group of friends; Switch and "The Girlfriend" (that's what the DK boys are calling her these days, so I'll go with it here for pseudo-anonymity's sake) are playing too. I have a few dates, both planned and ambiguous, for over the next few weeks, so I guess I'm still a hot commodity, lol. Within one hour of changing my facebook status to Single, I had two separate requests, hehe. So, all in all, things are alright; they could be better, for sure, but they could be a whole lot worse. I've got a roof over my head that I have the means to continue paying for with my unemployment benefits, I've got a few items on my social calendar, and I'm getting a bit of attention from gentlemen callers (which is always nice for the ego, as well as simply having pleasant company to spend my time with). I haven't the slightest clue where any of the romantic-ish prospects might lead, but for now I'm just along for the ride. I hope the job hunt pans out soon before I run out of the med that I cannot afford to refill, but other than that, life is moving along nicely.

"When We Die" - Bowling For Soup

It sucks to be fighting with your parents (again...).

Bowling For Soup - When We Die - Free Music Videos

"When We Die"

Well, I know that it's early
And it's too hard to think
And the broken empty bottles
Are reminder in the sink
But I thought that I should tell you
If it's not to late to say
I could put back all the pieces,
They just might not fit the same

Nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

Well, I know it's been years now,
And I don't look the same
And the hopes and dreams you had for me
You thought went down the drain.
And the room feels so empty
where my pictures used to be
And I can't say that I blame you,
But you can't blame me

Cuz nothing's worth losing
Especially the chance to make it right

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

Come over
Come over

Cause I gotta know,
If I am doing this all on my own

Come over
Come over

How can I show you if you're not here

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
Are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

And I know that we're gonna be fine
And the tattooed mistakes
are gonna fade over time
As long as we live, time passes by
And we won't get it back when we die

Come over
Come over

Wooohooohooohaaaaawwww

"Losing Grip" - Avril Lavigne

Last straw... I'm not putting up with this crap anymore. I swore months ago that I wouldn't give Phoenix a second chance, but I did it anyway. I'm a dumb-ass some days. This isn't one of them. I'm putting my foot down; enough is enough.




"Losing Grip"

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say I was left to cry there,
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
You, you need to listen I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody's place
when you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me,
you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't ok I was left to cry there
waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]

Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud

Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared I was so alone Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care then I don't care were not going anywhere
Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone
Why should I care If you don't care then I don't care were not going anywhere

The illogical ways that 9/11 changed my life

The illogical ways that 9/11 changed my life:

Tuesday September 11, 2001 –

It was one week into my junior year of high school. My radio alarm clock went off in the morning at the usual time (I don’t recall exactly what time that was but I think it was at about 5:30, since I liked to get down to the school early and hang out with my friends in the cafeteria and be mildly mischievous every morning for about an hour before classes started). The usual goofy morning DJs had a more serious tone as they spoke about an “incident” on the east coast, in which a plane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers. This jerks me awake much more rapidly that the morning radio usually did (it as often as not took over an hour of music and DJ banter to roust me from bed towards my morning shower). I went upstairs to my step-dad’s office and told him to turn on the news, that something was going on in New York. I went back downstairs and turned on the TV. After a bit of news footage that has since blurred together in my mind, I saw the second plane hit the second tower. I saw it happen; I watched it live on the news feed. I had a hard time wrapping my head around it at the time; I was only 16, and even though I had already traveled abroad a couple of times in my life (including two weeks in war-torn West Bank and Israel), I didn’t really know how to interpret what was going on. I knew it was bad, I knew that it was going to be highly traumatic for those involved and all that, but I had not idea at the time the impact that it would have on me two days later. More news footage (presumably related to the pentagon and the other plane that the passengers took down, I don’t really recall, as well as footage of the first tower collapsing which I do remember blurrily), then I eventually pulled myself away to get back into routine; I took a shower and headed down to school. Classes were basically split into three categories: the teachers who tried to go on with their lesson like nothing had happened, the teachers who spent the class time discussing what was happening, and the teachers who’d gotten a hold of one of the school’s TVs and wheeled it into the classroom and just spent the period watching the news. After school, I took the bus (I always had monthly passes due to my high school’s lack of school busses) out to my best friend and boyfriend’s apartment for the afternoon (very convenient for me that they lived together – I met one through the other; this grungy pit was dubbed by me as Paradise in a reference to the Green Day song “Welcome to Paradise” about a really shitty apartment in Oakland), and we all watched as the news came out about air raids on Afghanistan, that al Qaeda had claimed responsibility for the attacks and their ties to the Afghani government of the Taliban. During the prior year, I had spent some time studying the Taliban government for Model U.N., and I was just fine with us bombing them back to the stone age for their social injustices unrelated to the day’s attacks. Eventually, as the evening wore on, I went home and had a little interaction with my parents. I was instructed not to discuss the national events with my little sister, that they (my parents) were easing into it gently with her, as she was only my foster sister and had only been with us for about a month following about two years in a treatment program. I grudgingly agreed not to bring it up around her and wandered off to bed.

Wednesday September 12, 2001 –

This day was more usual; the morning DJs played music while not really making many jokes; classes took place with some current events debates but a lot more curriculum than the day prior; and after school I went over to Paradise. Again we spent the afternoon watching the news, and eventually I headed back home. I kept my mouth shut about all the turmoil going on in our country, and metaphorically bit my tongue through dinner before retreating to my bedroom, feeling very, very, very, very conflicted about what was going on in both my home and the country.

Thursday September 13, 2001 –

The alarm went off; I heard it and ignored it. The music (as it was still too soon for the DJs to return to their typical banter) played for the pre-programmed two hours, then turned itself off. For the final several months of the prior school year, this was a fairly common occurrence; I had some pretty severe problems with dysthymia and depression, and often lacked the motivation to even get out of bed in the morning. The apathy had led to severely poor grades and academic progress, as well as leaving me with a pretty poor quality of life. Sometime around when school was due to start, my mom came into my room, quite flustered that I was repeating what she/we had worked so hard over the summer to overcome – my debilitating depression. She told me a wide variety of things that all meant “get out of bed and go to school.” I continued to ignore her, as I had ignored the radio, and remained in bed. She eventually ran out of things to motivate me with, and told me that she was going to call my dad; that I could go live with him, she was done fighting this fight on too many mornings to count. I knew that she wouldn’t reach him; she didn’t have his cell phone number, and I knew that he was outside Astoria helping a musician friend of his set up for the annual Blues by the Sea festival – this would be that festival’s third year. I heard her go try to make the call, not reach him, then come back into my room and remark that I needed to go to school or I could “just get out of here.” I continued to stay curled up in bed, ignoring the world around me that was moving too fast for me to follow. At some point I got out of bed (probably in the early afternoon, but I don’t remember for sure), and I was again threatened by my mother with “do X or you can just get out.” This time, I don’t remember what the X was, but it was likely something trivial; I just don’t remember, so I can’t be sure. I returned to my room to hide away for the rest of the day. Around 9-ish at night I came out of my room and went upstairs and asked my mom that since my little sister was already in bed asleep, if it would be ok for me to watch the nightly news; I was told some variation of “no.” About this time my older sister called the house from college in California, and my step-dad was on phone in the kitchen, next to the living room where my mother and I began to argue. I asked in a huff if I could watch them with the sound off and closed captions turned on, so that I could find out what was going on (this was still only TWO days after the biggest (and only as far as I’m concerned, since Hawaii wasn’t a state at the time of Pearl Harbor) attack on US soil since the Civil War (and don’t start in with me on conspiracy theories of if it was really an “attack;” that was completely irrelevant that early into the aftermath; we were still looking for survivors, not evidence)). Again, for reasons that I still to this day do not understand, I was told no, that that was not an option. My mother and I were raising out voices. “Why not?!” I asked her, with mixed emotions of frustration, confusion, distrust, and the sense of being manipulated for the sake of control on her part. At this point, I hear my step-dad begin to raise his voice to my sister on the phone, “Hold on a minute.” He came out into the living room, put his face directly into my face, and growled in a low and threatening tone, “You drop this argument about the damn news, you apologize to your mother, and you get your ass back downstairs, or you can just get out of here!” I stormed back downstairs without apologizing. This was the third time in a single day that I had heard the words do something “or just get out,” and this day was not the first that I’d heard it (but never at anywhere near this close of intervals). So this day I took it to heart. I went to my room, typed out an angry letter on my computer about how awful my mom and step-dad were, how much my dad was an ass and it was going to suck having to live with him, but fuck them all, I was leaving. It is still a matter of debate within the family of whether I was kicked out or ran away, but I packed my backpack full of clothes and walked out the back door, went around the house, walked the five blocks out to the bus stop on Barbur and looked to see when the next bus was due – about 50 minutes; I’d just missed it. I was fuming mad at this point, so I just began walking down Barbur towards downtown to burn off some steam. I walked about two and a half miles from my house down Barbur, and stopped at the Rasmussen Village apartment complex, beginning to run out of adrenalin-fueled indignant rage, and waited for the bus to pick me up. I rode it into downtown, used a pay-phone to call my friend’s pager to let him know I was on my way over (we were both nerds, so combined my lucky number with binary to create a pager code system for messages, as he was usually on his dial up internet and folks couldn’t get hold of the apartment directly – 50 for I’m not coming, 51 for I’m on my way, and 5911 for get-off-the-damn-internet-so-I-can-call-you-because-something’s-up), then caught the bus out to Paradise. My boyfriend was out at the time, I don’t recall doing what, but my friend convinced me that it wouldn’t be wise for them to be harboring a runaway (we didn’t really debate the point, I was still pretty much in shock-and-adrenalin mode, though burning out fast), that I should go to the youth shelter that was a few blocks down the road that he had spent some time at the year prior. He made the call; I was too shook up. Then we walked the ten blocks or so to the shelter office, where I had to spend over an hour filling out paperwork and answering intake questions.

Friday September 14, 2001 –

It was after midnight by the time I was all processed; the case guy drove me over to the actual shelter site and helped me get settled for the night by introducing me to the person who looked over the kids; he or she (I don’t recall) picked me out a bed in one of the girls’ rooms and got me a toothbrush and toothpaste. I couldn’t sleep for the longest time, but once the adrenalin finally burned out I crashed hard. In the morning I got up and took a shower and got acquainted with the other three(?) youth who were staying there at the time. I don’t remember breakfast or anything about the morning, but around lunchtime we all went to the office. I got hold of my dad’s girlfriend (now she’s my step-mom), who was already planning on picking me up and taking me out to Astoria for the festival, and got her up to date on where I was (my mom must have in fact eventually got hold of my dad sometime in the night and filled him in on my absence, and it seemed to me that he had filled her in on the basics); we made arrangements for her to pick me up, and she spoke with the case guy at the office to verify this with him. I don’t really remember a lot about that afternoon, other than everyone was walking on eggshells; we were avoiding the elephant in the room. One of the acts performing that evening was a young up-and-coming blues guitarist and his similarly young and talented bassist. The guitarist and I hit it off; he was a year younger than me, and it started the joke that runs to this day that I was the youngest groupie he’d met (most of the audience were in their 40s or 50s). He invited me to come out to the jam session that he and several of the other guys were doing that night at one of the bars in town; at first my dad said no, but after talking to the band’s manager (who happened to be the bassist’s dad), he agreed to let me go out and hang out with them in their “tour bus” while they weren’t playing, and listen from OUTside the bar while they jammed. The bus was parked right on the coast; we were on the road, next to it there was a barrier blocking access to a hill of rocks, with the ocean lapping up at them. I remember that it was a VERY welcome distraction to all the chaos that had been going on in the world and my personal life over the past few days. Stars, waves, dead fish smells… All of it was welcome at that point. After the jam, I was returned to my dad’s backstage campsite safe and sound.

Saturday September 15, 2001 –

I spent the day listening to some of the Pacific Northwest’s best blues acts. I spent a little time backstage, a little time wandering around the campground that the event was held at, and eventually ended up spending some more time with that young blues guitarist. He stole a few kisses, which I both appreciated for their flattery and distraction, but also felt somewhat guilty about (I told my boyfriend about it after the fact, and he forgave me for the minor indiscretion at such a tumultuous time in my life).

Sunday September 16, 2001 –

It was time to face the elephant in the room… My dad told me that I was and always will be welcome with him (at that point in my life, I hadn’t lived with him full-time since my parents divorced when I was five; I’d spent every other weekend at his house for those eleven years, and usually a week or so in the summer on vacation with him, but never lived there since I went away with my mom). I accepted his offer tentatively; I still didn’t know what I wanted, how I wanted it all to play out… I just didn’t know. There was too much chaos and confusion. I didn’t know if my mom/step-dad could forgive me leaving or if they were pleased to have me gone, I didn’t know what life could be like with my dad (my mom always had a lot of bad stuff to say about him, and I hadn’t spent enough time with him to develop strong opinions of my own).

Monday September 17, 2001 –

In the morning, I was rousted from bed by my dad instead of the more familiar radio alarm, and I got ready for school. My dad drove me all the way into town to my high school, and I still had my bus pass to get me back to his house in the afternoon. That day is a blur. I remember talking to some of my closer friends about what was happening, but I don’t recall what anyone’s input was. That day I was in a fog. On my way back to my dad’s, on a whim, I pulled the cord a few stops early and got off in front of the local high school. I had not set foot in that building since I was in the second grade doing an afterschool dance program with the high school dance team. I went into the office; classes had long been let out, and there was minimal staffing there. I got a secretary’s attention and said something to the effect of, “Umm, I’m thinking about transferring here. Can I, uh, have a list of classes that are offered here?” She rummaged for a few minutes, then produced a school catalog for me. I thanked her and walked the few blocks further to my dad’s. “Why had I just done that?”, I was asking myself. As I searched my mind, I realized that I had already made my decision – I was going to move in with my dad and change schools. This was set in my mind by the time I got home – for that’s what it had so abruptly become: not my dad’s house, but home. We talked it over that night; I don’t recall the exact points of the conversation, but we made a plan to take care of it all in the morning. I looked through the class book, and was pleased to find that they had a Japanese program at this high school too; I was afraid that my two-year investment into the subject at my prior high school might go to waste. I went to bed feeling good; things were about to change in my life, in so many ways that I could not foresee.

Tuesday September 18, 2001 –

One week after the attacks, I got up on time. My dad and I again made the drive across town, but this time he came in with me. We went to the office and told them that I was withdrawing from the school and that I would be transferring. They pulled up my transcripts, printed them out, sealed them up all official-like, withdrew me from my classes’ rosters and sent us on our way. We drove back down to the high school just a few blocks from my dad’s house, and went it to the office there. I remember being really anxious about it all before the guidance councilor met us; I had the class book in hand, with the pages marked of all the classes I had been in at my old school, and the electives I would like to take if some classes were full. At my prior school, the class load was six full-year classes, with the option of taking a “zero-period” class early in the morning. At the new school, the class load was two terms of four classes; this technically left me two credits short of “junior” standing at the new school, but they enrolled me as such anyway; it wasn’t my fault the systems were different, and I was informed that I would just have to take full loads and not fail anything to earn all my credits before graduation in two years (this did not prove to be any problem at all). She enrolled me in all the classes that I had been taking at my prior high school, then informed me that I was required to take junior-year Health class (it was “required” at my old high school too, but a lot of students tested out of it, which was I planned on doing). That left me one elective; I chose Journalism, aka the school newspaper.

So I was enrolled. At a new school. Wow. The councilor told me when classes started in the morning, and was preparing to send me on my merry way to come back fresh in the morning. “Actually,” I cut her off at some point, “I’d really like to just jump in and get started right now, if that’s all right.” Well, she made a phone call and got a student who was part of whatever the new-student-orientation group was down to her office. The councilor gave me my locker number and combination, and instructed the girl to show me my locker, the cafeteria, then to my classroom. When we got to my physics class (my first class there!), she opened the door and poked her nose in. The teacher was mid-lecture, and looked a bit perturbed to be interrupted. “Excuse me, Mr. Ingram, but I have your new student here for you,” she said timidly and politely. “New student?! I don’t have a new student…!” I popped my head into the room at this point. “Uh, hi,” I started, “I just enrolled this morning; your print roster hasn’t had the time to be updated yet. I’m just starting classes here, uh, now.” After a moment’s stare with a blank pause, he replied, “Alright, come in! Take a seat!” with wildly animated gestures. He went on with his lecture where he’d left off.

Wednesday September 19, 2001 –

I arrived at my first class of the morning, junior Health, before the instructor did. Apparently, word had gotten around, because there were several variations of, “Oh, hey! You must be the new kid!” It was a very welcoming environment, until class started. They were working on the digestive system; I remember this because the teacher was pointing to a poster diagramming the human digestive track and asking what is this? The first couple were easy give-aways (mouth and stomach I think), then he pointed to the pancreas and my hand shot up. His eyebrows drew up and I looked around the room and saw that no one else had their hands up; no one else knew what/where the pancreas was. My “city” education had taught me that back in seventh grade life science, but apparently out in the ‘burbs they hadn’t got quite that far that early on. This was the first of many culture shocks to come. The next class was Japanese, which I was pathetically behind in, due to my prior “sensei” treating us like we had the learning capabilities of grade schoolers. I had to work hard over the next two years to even sort of catch up, but my new sensei was very sympathetic, and did not blame me for my prior teacher’s lack of actual teaching.

Aftermath –

Over the next few weeks there were several hostage-situation-like phone calls between my dad and my mom, or my mom and me, negotiating how I would get my things; first was some of my clothes and my alarm clock, picked up by my dad without me present (if I’m remembering rightly – this was ten years ago, after all; I might be mixing up some of these details). Next was me picking up the rest of my clothes, and some of my entertainment stuff like my boom-box and some CDs and books, with the stipulation that I hand over my house key; this was intended as a direct statement of “You are not welcome here without prior invitation,” and it came through loud and clear. Eventually things like my bed (the queen one from my mom’s was a lot more comfortable than the twin at my dad’s) and posters moved over as well. My mom and I hardly spoke for months, and when we did it always ended in tears (mine for sure, and probably sometimes for her as well). But over the next year things started to come around. My grades still weren’t very good, but my attendance was MUCH better. I continued seeing a therapist, and eventually we had some family sessions where things got hashed out. When my mom and step-dad moved my senior year, I was allowed to decorate “my room,” even though I very rarely stayed there. (I lived in it a couple of years later, though, when I got kicked out of UO, but that’s a whole other story…). Right when I moved in, my dad set a strict curfew of 5pm, and openly admitted that he needed to get used to this “being a full-time dad” thing, but he promised to lighten it up as he got more comfortable; it wasn’t really much of an issue at first anyway, as I didn’t really have any friends in the area, so mostly just spent my afternoons at the library. By the time I had made new friends, it was getting pushed out to a more teenage-appropriate time, anyway.

The events of September 11^th changed my life, but not in the way that they affected most people. For me, they sparked the final argument that broke the camel’s back between my mother and I. For all the years after, I did nothing to recognize Patriot Day until now; but two days later I always have my own private memorial of the day on which my life changed irrevocably – September 13^th.

"Takeoffs and Landings - Ataris

"Takeoffs And Landings"

On this coldest of January nights
We drive out past the runway and watch the planes go flying by
The runway lights are the deepest blue like the colors of your eyes
So close them tight and kiss me one last time

If you could go anywhere right now
Where would you go?
And would you miss me when you get there?
There's no place that I would rather be
Please don't let me go falling from the sky
The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out
If only you could be right here by my side
Home wouldn't seem so far from here

Passport, customs, carry on, remember
To shut off all of your electronic devices
Fell asleep on Tuesday woke up Monday afternoon
I slept right through your International Date Line

If you could go anywhere right now
Where would you go?
And would you miss me when you get there?
There's no place that I would rather be
Please don't let me go falling from the sky
The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out
If only you could be right here by my side
Home wouldn't seem so far from here

Please don't let me go falling from the sky
The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out
If only you could be right here by my side
Home wouldn't seem so far from here

"C'est La Vie" - Quietdrive

I've been waiting all right... *sigh*




Back then you know we felt much younger
We never though that we'd get older
We got crazy we got carried away
But we made our mistakes
There's not a thing I would change

She's been waiting
I've been chasing dreams and all my expectations
Always holding out for something more

C'est la vie, say no more
To all that I've promised
For all that I've hoped for and nothing more
C'est la vie, say no more

We never listened no we never learned
When it comes to messing up
You know we all took a turn for the worst
For the better
If we're going down now
Then we're going down together

She's been waiting
I've been chasing dreams and all my expectations
Always holding out for something more

C'est la vie, say no more
To all that I've promised
For all that I've hoped for and nothing more
C'est la vie
If I could be honest
If I could take back all I've said

Because she's been waiting
I've been chasing dreams and all my expectations
C'est la vie, say no more
C'est la vie

You say that you love me
You say that you care
But I know you better
Yes I know you better
You say that you need this
But I only need these simple words
(She's been waiting I've been chasing)

C'est la vie, say no more
To all that I've promised
For all that I've hoped for and nothing more
Sing C'est la vie
I've had to many lovers who've walked out on me

But she's been waiting
I've been chasing dreams and all my expectations
C'est la vie, say no more
C'est la vie

She's been waiting
I've been holding on
She's been waiting
I've been holding on

"Rewrite" - Asian Fung Fu Generation

English Translation:

Wanting to spit out the jarred thoughts is
Because there's no other proof of my existence
My future that I should've grabbed hold is
Conflicting between "dignity" and "freedom"

Wanting to erase the distorted afterimage is
Because I'll see my limit over there
In the window of the excessively self-conscious me
There are no dates in last year's calendar

Erase and rewrite
The pointless ultra-fantasy
The unforgettable sense of being

Revive
Rewrite
Even meaningless imagination is the driving force that creates you
Give it your whole body and soul

After cutting my feelings that grew, I cry
After realizing that after all, I'm just a mediocrity, I cry

Erase this depressed heart, this dirty lie
And rewrite
The pointless ultra-fantasy
The unforgettable sense of being

Revive
Rewrite
Even meaningless imagination is the driving force that creates you
Give it your whole body and soul


And for those who might want it...
Japanese Lyrics:

kishinda omoi o hakidashita ino wa
sonzai no shoumei ga hokani nai kara
tsukanda hazu no boku no mirai wa
songen to jiyuu de mujun shiteru yo

yuganda zanzou o keshisaritai no wa
jibun no genkai o soko ni miru kara
jiishiki kajou na boku no mado ni wa
kyonen no karendaa, hitsuke ga nai yo

keshite riraitoshite
kudara nai chougensou
wasureranu sonzaikan o

kishikaisei
riraitoshite
imi no nai souzou mo kimi o nasu gendouryoku
zenshin zenrei o kure yo

mebaeteta kanjou kitte naite
shosen tada bonyou shitte naite

kusatta kokoro o, usugitanai uso o keshite
riraitoshite
kudara nai chougensou
wasureranu sonzaikan o

kishikaisei
riraitoshite
imi no nai souzou mo kimi o nasu gendouryoku
zenshin zenrei o kure yo

"Fine Again" - Seether

I want to be happy... I want it all to be alright. But I just don't see it all playing out that way. *sigh* Such a weight on my shoulders, every damn day.




"Fine Again"

It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now. No…

I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself

I am prepared now for myself
I am prepared now and I am fine... again

"The Good Book" - Quietdrive

Well I had a dream that I
Couldn't pick apart from the sky
The earth and the trees
The ground and the breeze
The day and the night

And I figured out that my life
Was inside the blink of an eye
One day you're asleep
One day you're awake
And one day you die

Oh, life is a dream that we barely control
It tears at the seams that reality holds
But every time I try to explain it...

I can't fix it
I can't feel it
I lost my hands I lost my soul
But the more and more I try to control it
The more and more it gets out of control
Oh, the good book says I'm weak
But I'm just unlucky that's all...
The good book says I'm weak
But I'm just unlucky that's all

Well I had a dream that I
Traded my eye for an eye
But words became the dream
The books started to sing
The pixels came alive

Oh life is a dream only time will erase
We build up the walls with a smile on our face
And every time I try to explain it...

I can't fix it
I can't feel it
I lost my hands I lost my soul
But the more and more I try to control it
The more and more it gets out of control
Oh, the good book says I'm weak
But I'm just unlucky that's all
The good book says I'm weak
But I'm just unlucky that's all
Oh, the good book says I'm weak
Hell, I must be human after all...

"Afloat" - On The Rocks

What the hell is going on...? I'm just trying to keep my head above water.




Floating with the wind, I am drifting East
It's like I calmed the ocean still and put the waves to sleep
But the tides are changing, No it ain't the same
There lies a faith in the absence of control they say...

One step forth, and I try to get back
A coward's fear on trail with the weakest faith in man
You call me out my comfort, you call me out the boat
To walk on my own alone, alone

Chorus:
Sometimes I am lost on the open water
Sometimes I am thrown by the wind and the waves
Sometimes I'm swimming in the deep end
Can I stay Afloat, Stay Afloat

The Ocean is deep below my feet
Afraid of what's to come, so I slowly start to sink
I was waiting for my ending, But then you grab my hand
Just like I knew you would, you would

Chorus:
Sometimes I am lost on the open water
Sometimes I am thrown by the wind and the waves
Sometimes I'm swimming in the deep end
Can I stay Afloat, Stay Afloat

In the rain, there is a storm, barely breathing as I paddle...
I am sinking- Does it matter?
In my final breath, my only hope , you come to save me...

Chorus:
Sometimes I am lost on the open water
Sometimes I am thrown by the wind and the waves
Sometimes I'm swimming in the deep end
Can I stay Afloat, Stay Afloat

"Way Out" - Quietdrive

Fuck. There is no better word to describe my life right now: fucked. I lost Phoenix, and now I've lost my job... What the fuck, universe? Are you really trying to screw with me these days?




"Way Out"

Wake up alone staring at the ceiling wondering how
It will go a part of me will never know
Yeah I don’t know where I’ll end up but I know where I came from
And where I’ve been and what I’ve done isn’t who I will become

I gotta find a way out, way out
I gotta find a way out of my life
I promise I’m being honest I can turn this all around
If I can find a way out, way out
If I can just make it out alive
I’ll make the best of it, the best of it
Wish I could see what I left behind
(Wish I could see what I left behind)
Wish I could see what I left

Run down the hall in hope of finding answers but there’s none at all
What am I even looking for?
Yeah I don’t know what I gave up but I know what I turned down
and if I knew then what I know now that I could turn it all around

I gotta find a way out, way out
I gotta find a way out of my life
I promise I’m being honest I can turn this all around
If I can find a way out, way out
If I can just make it out alive
I’ll make the best of it, the best of it
Wish I could see what I left behind
(Wish I could see what I left behind)
Wish I could see what I left behind

Can we try to forget
Let the past just breathe regret
Can we try to forget
Can we make it until the end

I gotta find a way out, way out
I gotta find a way out of my life
Over the past three years I’ve promised myself that you could change my life

If I can find a way out, way out
If I can just make it out alive
I'll make the best of it, the best of it
Wish I could see what I left behind
(Wish I could see what I left behind)
Wish I could see what I left behind

(Wish I could see what I left behind)

"So What" - Cabaret

This song takes place as a young English novelist arrives broke in Berlin on New Year's Day, looking for a room. The landlady tells him the room is 100 marks, yet he only has 50... (The video is the only one I could find with the original cast recording, so forgive the crappy montage.)

This song is about being content with what you have, and I'm trying to live with that right now. Phoenix is gone, but there's still things around to be happy about.




You say fifty marks.
I say one hundred marks,
a difference of fifty marks-
Why should that stand in our way?
As long as the room gets let,
the fifty that I will get
is fifty more that I had yesterday,
Ja?

When you're as old as I...
is anyone as old as I?-
What difference does it make?
An offer comes, you take.

For the sun will rise
And the moon will set
And learn how to settle
For what you get.
It will all go on if we're here or not
So who cares? So what?
So who cares? So what?

When I was a girl,
My summers were spent by the sea.
So what?
And I had a maid
Doing all of the house-work, not me.
So what?
Now I scrub all the floors
And I wash down the walls
And I empty the chamber pot.
If it ended that way,
Then it ended that way,
And I shrug and I say:
So what?

For the sun will rise
And the moon will set
And learn how to settle
For what you get.
It will all go on if we're here or not
So who cares? So what?
So who cares? So what?

When I had a man,
My figure was dumpy and fat.
So what?
Through all of our years
He was so disappointed in that.
So what?
Now I have what he missed
And my figure is trim,
But he lies in a churchyard plot
If it wasn't to be
That he ever would see
The uncorseted me,
So what?

For the sun will rise
And the moon will set
And learn how to settle
For what you get.
It will all go on if we're here or not
So who cares? So what?
So who cares? So what?

So once I was rich
And now all my fortune is gone,
So what?
And love disappeared
And only the memory lives on,
And so what?

If I've lived through all that
(And I've lived through all that)
Fifty marks doesn't mean a lot.
If I like that you're here
(And I like that you're here)
Happy New Year, my dear,
So what?

For the sun will rise
And the moon will set
And learn how to settle
For what you get.
It will all go on if we're here or not
So who cares? So what?
So who cares? So what?

It all goes on.
So who cares? Who cares?
Who cares? So what?

So Much For Happiness...

The Fair was not what I wanted this year... I got dumped and spent two nights in White Bird medical detoxing from all the crap I put into my body to dull the pain and heartache away. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it this time... I'm in a very dark place that I see no way out of. I couldn't handle another breakup, that's why I made DAMN sure that Phoenix was the right guy for me before I agreed to anything... And yet he's not. He wants to be a child and enjoy childish indulgences; he wants to avoid the responsibilities that a family could bring for as long as possible. I want to be an adult; I want to settle down and have the white picket fence, the pets, and the 2.4 children... And yet as all the drugs I was on at the time wear off, his reasons for dumping me change. Now he speaks of me needing self-growth, becoming more self-reliant, that maybe it'll work out once I get my own shit together... But he broke my heart and he will not get another chance to hold this starlight in his hand; he cast it aside and it will never return to him.

It's a long night at work tonight. Not a lot happening, but I only got 4 hours of sleep, so I'm feeling every minute drag on... I'm missing Phoenix some; haven't seen him in a week and a half. I hope to see him this evening, before work tonight, but it's not a sure thing. I love him. Plain and simple; I want to be around him. He makes me feel at peace. That's something that shouldn't be taken for granted. I really appreciate him.

In other news, less than a month until we leave for the Fair (the Oregon Country Fair, for those not in the know). I'm plenty excited about it. I've got a location to camp at, I have the nerd lams designed and ready to go to print, and I'll be picking up some camping gear from my dad this weekend. Been chatting with Chopsticks online a lot lately; we are mending things between us, getting past the hurt and on to the friendship. He's funding the Nerd lam project, too, so that's nice. I have a budget of $40, so that should be more than enough. I'm also excited to bring Phoenix out to his very first Fair; he's never been before, and he's starting out just like I did - assisting on pre/post security crew first go 'round. We have training at the end of the month, that should be good; get him aclimated to the vibe out there, before the big event. I'm also going to be designing the Fireworks Crew lam, and there's a chance that I'll be reimbursed for the cost there; Double Dub wants 50 made, even though the crew will only be about a dozen, lol. Plenty of extras for trading. I wonder if Phoenix will be a laminazi like Chopsticks and I, collecting as many as we can from as many crews, camps, and groups as possible. I think it's a lot of fun, but I don't know that he'll think about it. I'm excited for the whole thing, anyway. The music, the food, the lams, the costumes... It's a special time of the year.

"Lullaby" - Alana Davis

Schoolwork

I'm taking a break from my mind-numbing political science textbook, looking for any excuse to stop reading and highlighting for a few minutes. I'm acing the class, currently earning a running weighted total of 98%, but I don't want to screw this up like I have so many times in the past... But my brain still needs a break. I have 62 pages still to read, and I go at a pace of about 10 pages an hour. So...I've got about 6 hours more solid studying to do, not counting breaks, before my deadline in 13.5 hours.

Eugene Whirlwind

I took a day trip to Eugene on Saturday and -damn!- did I pack a lot into it! It was my birthday last week, and Phoenix took me to Eugene as a birthday present to visit a bunch of friends. We were going to go down Friday night, but plans shifted and we ended up leaving around 7:20 Saturday morning.

We started by going down to Chopsticks' house to pick him up and go out to the Oregon Country Fair site. We walked down from Watergate through the 8 to the Junction, and out Bus Admissions. We walked through Dragon Meadow:
and took a look behind the Dragon:
Then we walked through Craft Lot and into Chela Mela Meadow; Chopsticks ran into a guy from water crew and had to chat; I had to snap pictures:
I finally got the boys moving again... We walked down to our camp and took a look around at the hobbit hole, the tiki lounge, and Chopsticks' camp. I was getting tired of walking around the site, so we walked back up past Main Stage Meadow towards where we'd parked:

We took 'Sticks back home and went on to the next phase of the adventure: visiting New Mama! My friend just had her second child, and I had to meet the new cuteness. He's a sweet little butterball that slept soundly in my arm as I snapped photos one-handed:
I tried to get a photo of Mama and daughter, but she was feeling camera-shy:
After a little coaxing, though, she changed her mind and smiled big for the camera!

At this point, we had planned on moving on and meeting up with Kaz, but since he wasn't awake yet, Phoenix and I decided to go look at the local used games and books stores. A peek into Big City Gaming netted us a look at an old copy of Chrono Trigger for the Famicom, but a look at the pricetag kept us from picking it up for our collector buddy Tayo. We walked up to CD/Game Exchange where we found several good deals. The best of these were Fallout: New Vegas for only $15 and Scene It with all 4 custom controllers for $15; though the former was a great deal, Phoenix already has too many games and couldn't justify getting it. I pitched in, though, and we bought Scene It. We then drove up campus a bit and had to hit up Smith Family Bookstore; it just so happened that we arrived on free comic day. Well, the rack where the free comics were was pretty barren, and by that time of the day they only carried a "Smurfs" freebie. I decided to get myself a used copy of Naruto's first collection. We looked around the bookstore some more, then eventually got bored and went back out to the car.

On the way there, I finally got a message from Kaz saying that he was awake, so we headed off to visit him. *knock knock* No answer... *knock knock* No answer... *ring ring ring* (groggy sounds) "Hello...?" "Hey, uh, we're on your porch knocking and you're not answering your door." "Oh..." "And be sure to put some pants on!" *click* Well, he came to the door without the pants, but was wrapped in a bathrobe at least. We visited for about 45 minutes, just chatting about what we've been up to lately, then Phoenix and I had to jet off to the next visit!

We met a pair of my friends at the Horsehead in downtown. They had just ordered food, and I went to get myself a drink. Well, they didn't take too kindly to my expired ID... We got the boot from them. My friends got their food to go, and we moved up the next set of plans: Thai food. The four of us loaded into the car and got our grub on. She thought her carrot garnish looked steampunk, and that set us off on a long series of funny conversations. Here's a picture of my friends who joined us there:
Phoenix got a kick out of her oversized sunglasses and asked to try them on. I snapped this just in time, as he was reaching to take them off.
I took care of our check, then off to the Spring Fling!

We got there early, so we ended up just chilling in the car for a while playing cellphone games. He did better than me... Oh well. We went inside and tried to find some people I recognized, and pretty soon we found 'Sticks and his lady (who was feeling camera-shy too today):

We stuck around for a little while, but no one else we knew showed up, so we took off early around 9:00. We were both really tired from having got up so early in the morning, and he had two more hours of driving to stay awake for. We loaded back up, and headed towards a detour in Salem to visit one of his moms. She is going through an ugly divorce and feels the world is out to get her right now. We tried to console her some, but there really wasn't anything for us to say, so we finally headed home.

Bored...

I'm at work and I ought to be working on my homework. However, things here are quiet and I just finished a chapter, so I'm taking a break. My head is killing me; I'm feeling a really nasty headache brewing. Things in general have been going well lately. Besides my homework situation - I let myself get behind, and now I'm playing catch-up before my deadline tomorrow. The good news these days is that I heard back from my crew leader, and Phoenix is invited out to the Fair as my SO (significant other). I sent the check in for the SO pass the day I found out, I was so excited. This is something good that I can hold onto to help get me through the next two months before going to the site for HI training with him, then the Fair itself. He has never been before, and I'm really looking forward to showing him around.

Ugh...

I feel sick to my stomach and my nerves are fried... I don't really know what's going on right now, but I seem to be having one of those times where my body and myself aren't getting along very well. Saturday night I went out with Phoenix and some of his friends for a birthday, and my nerves were shot the whole time. Sunday night, I had to leave work due to feeling really sick to my stomach and having other digestive issues. My boss found someone to cover my shift, so I was out Monday night too. It's now Tuesday morning, and I finally had a small meal: it isn't settling well... I tried to spend some of this extra time at home working on my reading for class, but I just couldn't get my mind to focus. I can't stop fidgeting/tapping/wiggling, I'm a bundle of nervous energy. This feels kind of like a depression, but without the feeling depressed part. I'm not really sure what's up, but I figure there's a mental component; with me there pretty much always is. Things are generally going really well: my schoolwork has been solid and on time, things with Phoenix are going really well, work is meh, but that's alright. I'm not sure what has me so out of whack.

"Motivation" - Quietdrive

"So take my hand and break my heart tonight" - that's the gamble I'm taking, isn't it?




See you right around the corner,
I know that you were getting closer
It dawned on me, it dawned on me
That you could be the one for me
But I'm sure you've heard it all the time,
I just look like the other guy
Next to me, next to me,
Next to me, next to me

Let's go home together,
You'll say that,
"It's good for me,"
"You're good for me"
But it's all in my head
When I wake in my bed,
I'll know

I've got no motivation,
I get no stimulation
You could be, you could be
In love with me,
We will see that
I've got no motivation,
Give me some motivation
In this life, in this life, in this life, in this life

And I know you're not
One of those girls
Who takes her time
She'll come for me, she'll come for me,
She'll come for me
I'm not gonna wait for eternity,
For you to take your turn with me,
Turn with me, turn with me

I've got no motivation,
I get no stimulation
You could be, you could be
In love with me,
We will see that
I've got no motivation,
Give me some motivation
In this life, in this life, in this life, in this life

Baby, it's fine
If you want to be mine
Just call out my name,
Don't wait in line
Just take my hand,
And break my heart tonight

I've got no motivation,
I get no stimulation
You could be, you could be
In love with me,
We will see that
I've got no motivation,
Give me some motivation
In this life, in this life, in this life, in this life

Take me home with you,
I can't go alone
And take me home tonight

I'm Thinking Too Much

I think that part of my problem lately is that I've been over-analyzing everything, and not just letting things happen as they will. If things are good, they're good; if things are bad, I'll find out soon enough, and I just shouldn't fixate on what is going on. I think that things are going well, and I worry that they aren't, but things are as they are no matter what I think or worry. I should just stop and experience life as it happens.

"Shimmer" - Fuel

"All she keeps inside isn't on the label"
"Reality escapes her..."

Unworthy

Why do people put up with me...? I'm a little ball of crazy wrapped up in a plain package. I know I have some value, but I don't see how anyone can get past all the bullshit to want what's left. I guess I'm just having a feel-sorry-for-myself day, but I fell like things are slipping already; I just start to get a grip on my life, and then it's gone again. I have so little control over what's going on in my life at the moment, I'm at others' mercy. In work, school, love... I have few things I can make decisions over these days. I just have to go with the flow, and that's not really natural for me. I don't necessarily need to be in control of things, but I need to at least know what's going on, what game I'm even playing.

The mood swings are clearly back. One minute a crying mess of emotions, the next cold and calculating, logical and detached. I've hardly slept lately, and I don't know if that's a cause of my recent troubles, an effect, or some of both.

Blah, this is all probably just PMS... But it sucks anyway.

Cleaning

I hate cleaning. I think I've made that pretty clear by now. I'm not very motivated to keep my place looking nice and I generally wash dishes as I need them. This being said, sometimes it just goes too far. My apartment was getting too far gone, so I had to clean it. I made a major dent in the dishes, currently about 3/4 done, and cleaned up my living room. It still needs some work, but this is how it looks right now (and no, there's nothing I can do about the stains in the carpet, it came that way and that's why I'm allowed to have pets in this unit):

What...?

There are times like now when I wonder what I'm doing with my life. On the surface things are going great: job, boyfriend, cat, home... And yet there is something missing. Some greater purpose. I help out at work, but I'm not the one changing kids' lives; I'm just helping clean up accidents and get warm milk. I wonder when my time will come; and I resign myself to the fact that it will not come while I'm in my current situation. I'm not moving very far forward with my life. I'm taking care of (some) business, but I still feel like I can't keep up with it all. And I'm not looking for someone to sweep in and make it all better; I want to make it better on my own, but don't really know how to. How am I supposed to teach life skills when I can't manage my own life? You do the best you can, I guess. I want so much more, I just don't know what it is or how to get it. I keep moving forward day by day, though. It's all ypu can do sometimes. One day at a time, as Phoenix says.

California

I went on a road trip to California with Phoenix and Tombstone this last weekend. It was pretty improvised...

Friday night Phoenix asks me if I want to go on the road trip we'd sort of been plotting (but not as far as planning) to go to In 'n' Out Burger and visit my parents in central California the very next day. Well, I contacted a peer at work and asked if she could cover Sunday night for me; she said yes, and my boss ok'd this. We started texting/calling up friends, looking for other people to come along with us and share the gas costs. Earlier in the week, we'd talked about taking Tombstone to Crater Lake this weekend anyway, so we convinced him to come along with the stipulation that we hit it on the return trip. I got hold of my folks and assured us a clean, safe place to sleep the drive off once we got ourselves south.

We planned to leave around midnight Saturday night, after a couple of parties. We didn't end up leaving Phoenix's house until about 3am. We got out on the road and listened to some tunes. We stopped for gas and Tombstone took over music control - he played us some funny techno and other silly/crude songs. We hit up the first of many rest areas that we stopped at, New Found Glory in our ears.

By 7am, we were well on our way south, sort of nearing the border. Here was my view from the backseat as the sun began to rise:

Around 10:30, we passed Lake Shasta. It's always been one of my favorite stretches of I-5; it's just pretty. The weather was awful, though. I wasn't able to get a picture for the longest time, but before we passed it altogether, I got this shot:

For the vast majority of the trip, Phoenix was behind the wheel and Tombstone in the passenger seat; for the whole thing I was in the backseat, shifting between driver-side, passenger-side, and laying down on the foam on top of the folded down seats. This is what I saw for the majority of the drive: (you can see me peaking out in the rear-view mirror)

We stopped here and there for potty breaks and naps along the way. Our plan at the time was to get our burgers and go eat at my folks' place and then sleep. About 20 minutes away from the Burgers, Phoenix got out of the car near a little dirt road to take a leak. On his way back to the car, he stepped in a mud puddle! He was in flip-flops, and they stuck - he couldn't pull his feet up, so he just had to step out of the puddle and get his feet all kinds of dirty!! He was a mess, and I couldn't help but laugh my head off at how dirty he was, and how my parents would be taking this. Right about that point, my phone died, so I couldn't let my mother know we were coming straight there. Well, they took it in stride when we showed up at the backdoor, dripping mud, and asking if Phoenix could use the shower, the laundry and the hose. We decided to delay our Burger feast until after we had slept, as none of us was really in the mood to get right back into the car. Tombstone racked out first, with Phoenix following quickly behind. I, on the other hand, payed a short visit to my grandmother before getting a little shut-eye. She was doing well when I got there, and was very understanding about how I couldn't stay long as I'd been awake all night.

We got up to the smells of my mom's home-cooked spaghetti. We had our fill, trying not to stuff ourselves knowing that we still had burgers to eat. We said our farewells, shared a round of hugs, and crammed back into the car. It was about 9 at night and our plan was to go get Burgers, then drive to a suburb of Sacramento to visit a friend of Phoenix's and do a little karaoke. The burgers were tasty - I had half a double-double (and finished it on the road a half hour later), and 'Nix and Tombstone both had double-doubles with onions and fries. Phoenix also got his sister a t-shirt, as it was her birthday, and three cheeseburgers to-go to bring back to friends up here (with no cooler!). We got back on the road into the city to meet up with the friend, only to find out when we got there that it was too far past her bedtime, being at this point past 10pm (we were eventually informed it was to accommodate her 4am wake-up time), and that she had had to go home without seeing us. We sat in the parking lot for a bit, weighing our options: go in and sing anyway, go back and maybe sleep a little more at my parents, or just start our trek back north. We settled on the latter: northward bound.

We programmed our way to Crater Lake into one of the fancy phones and made our way out of the suburb and back onto I-5 North. We drove up for maybe an hour before realizing that the boys were way to tired to drive, and that my license had expired and I wasn't an eligible driver for this adventure. It was about 11:30 when we shoved all the food and stuff behind the passenger seat and 'Nix and I tried to cuddle up with one of the backseats folded down. We offered Tombstone a tent to pitch, but he joked that he already had one. He decided to stick to the front seat. It was a tight fit in the backseat, and there wasn't really much cuddling; more wiggling and complaining, but hey it's a road trip!

Around 2:30 or 3am we got out on the road again. At about 5:00, we stopped for gas sort of near Lake Shasta again. We spent this time just chilling out, the passengers catching a few Zzzs. We were past the border by the time dawn came to us, beginning around 7am. Here are several shots of our views:

Around maybe 8am, we got hungry and stopped in for a bit at Cinders Cafe outside Klamath Falls. It was a good call; our waitress was a hoot! Tombstone filled his tank on coffee, Phoenix had some hot chocolate, and I just settled with water. The food was good and plentiful! Tombstone was the only one able to finish their meal.

We got back on the road, and after a little more slightly icy highway, we hit the real snow. First just a little dusting on the ground, then mounded on the side of the road, then full-blow banks of snow piled high.

Here is a few glimpses of what our drive was like (both the silliness and the driving conditions):





When we got to the top, we found the road to the rim closed!! We pulled off to the side and saw a sign for the Visitor Center. It was supposed to open at 10am, which was soon, so we wandered around outside for a bit. The boys answered nature's call and I shivered some and wandered back to the Center. It was a little warmer inside, so we waited there until it opened (I got the use of modern facilities inside, haha). We were informed by the man there (park ranger?) that there had been a snow storm the night before and that they needed to plow the road before it would open again. He said it ought to be sometime in the afternoon; we tried to clarify afternoon like 1 or afternoon like 4, but he said he couldn't really say.

After a bit of chatting, we decided to get ourselves some sleep in the car, and see if the rim was open when we woke up. I had to work that night, so I decided that I was going to have to just tough it up and go to sleep without seeing the cool sights. The rest is a bit fuzzy, as I was half asleep while it was going on, but when the boys woke around noon, the road had been cleared. We drove the last 3 miles up to the rim. They got out and wandered about, as I groggily napped in the backseat. This is what they brought back with them:
From there on, the trip was basically what you would expect in a car with three people running on little-to-no sleep. We didn't budget our time as well as we should have, and I barely made it to work on time. But it was a fun trip!

Stuff

I keep wanting to write a blog; it feels like there's so much to write about these days; but lately when I've opened up the text window, I've just been drawing a blank. I still pretty much am, but I wanted to at least justify the lack of updates lately.
Phoenix has been a total sweetheart with giving me rides to work, pleasant company, and just trying to make me happy when I'm feeling down. I've been taking better care of myself lately, and I give him the credit. I've been eating better (somewhat), taking better care of my apartment, trying to get my life in order; that's something that Chopsticks never motivated me to do, and I see such a stark contrast between them in that area. However things turn out, 'Nix is better for me than 'Sticks. Both well intentioned people, but there are a lot of well intentioned people in the world who go about things the entirely wrong way.
Geek Out! is tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it, but I still can't decide what to wear!
For now, it's off to bed: 2pm really is past my bedtime!

Cleaning

I'm sitting here alone in my apartment. It's still another hour or so until dawn. My apartment mess is really getting me down. I don't like living a filthy lifestyle, but it's overwhelming to handle. Contradictory, I know. There is too much to manage right now, I don't know where to start. The kitchen has been slowly, over the last week or so, been getting wrangled back into usability. The areqa around the desk still has a bit of mess but was largely tidied up. I have the vacuum out and the living room floor is mostly visible, but I want to wait to run it until after I hear Trombone Guy upstairs start to stir, which is usually around 6:30 or so. The laundry in the bedroom needs to be put away, the bathroom needs work, every floor area in the apartment needs vacuuming or mopping. I don't like all the dust; it makes my nose run.

At Work

I'm sitting here at work playing with my new phone. It's pretty nifty. The wind is howling in the windows, rattling the blinds and making a fuss. Partner and I are both feeling less than stellar tonight, but ah well. This is going to be a good week, despite all the negative things planned during it.

It's Official (on Facebook)

So Phoenix and I are an item now, I guess. We chatted about what's going on with us last night, sort of came around to being boyfriend/girlfriend, and he made the joke, "now I'll have to change my facebook status...". Well, I beat him to it, lol. I'd been thinking of setting my relationship status to It's Complicated for weeks, but just hadn't wanted to make him feel weird about it. But he opened the door for me to update it myself. Hehe, I have a boyfriend. So middle school of me, but damn it, I can be disproportionately happy if I feel like it!

Good Things

Things are going well lately. Sure, I've got a weird cluster of bruises on my wrist from work, and my phone is shut off, but hey, who's counting? My new phone will arrive sometime tomorrow (yay!). I'm got a great man in my life who's willing to help me get things done and is a good shoulder to cry on when I get overwhelmed with the daily grind. I've got a warm fluffball in my lap who's purring up a little storm. I've got some pretty massive dental bills coming up, but I'll figure out how to pay for those somehow... It'll work out.

"Boulevard of Broken Songs" - Dean Gray

New Phone Hunt

I was at the dentist's on Friday to get a root canal... It went as well as could be expected, except that while there I lost my phone. I know I had it with me in the dentist's chair; I felt it when I stuffed a tissue in my pocket after hearing that my fillings won't be totally covered, they'll be $70 apiece. Then, when I left the pharmacy, I noticed that it wasn't there anymore... I got picked up by Phoenix and tried calling my phone - it was turned off. This makes me believe that someone found it and turned it off, not wanting it to ring when the owner (ME) tried to call it.
Now, instead of just getting a new piece of shit phone, I'm thinking I'll switch carriers, sign a new contract, and get a new fancy phone. So, I'm trying to decide just how much nicer I want.

Valentines Day

It is a better day than many. A day to feel cared for, and a day to celebrate friendship and kindness. It doesn't have to be all about love; it was originally created in contrast to pagan holidays celebrating fertility, etc., which endorsed general promiscuity. Valentines Day was to celebrate the monogamy of marriage, but that isn't what it's come to mean. It's a day for letting those you care about know that you care. Phoenix, Kaz, Switch, Sis, and many others... you are all in my thoughts.

Beach Part 2 / Soup

Got back from the beach in the afternoon. From where I left off, we drove north to Seaside and stopped at a diner to get some breakfast - I got strawberry blintz, and couldn't finish it, it was sooo sweet. We went on up to Ft. Stevens, and drove around there for a while. We stopped at the old battery and wandered around briefly. On our way up, we were met by a Jehovah's Witness trying to give us Watchtowers. It was cold there so we didn't stay out for very long, but Phoenix liked the acoustics of singing in the bunker. We also drove over to the beach and watched the sand get blown over a dune - it was swirling in the strong wind, very pretty to look at. We continued north over the bridge out of Astoria, to make out 2-part trek along 101 complete. I didn't want to go over the bridge, it's really high and scares me some, but we did. We went up as far as Long Beach, where we stopped to get some candy - I got a bag of salt-water taffy and he got a bag of Jelly Belly beans. We went back down into Oregon, and drove towards home along highway 30. We stopped briefly at Papa's house, just a short visit for hugs and gossip. We got back home and promptly crashed to sleep.

Tonight, I'm making my red beef stew, the one with the V8 base. I had to ride my bike over to Fred's to get the ingredients, then I realised I'd forgot something so I went up to Safeway (which is closer and still open between 11 and 12). It's been on the stove for about 2 hours, and the meat is finally softening up - it's still a little chewy, but only a little by now. Now I'm looking forward to eating it and sharing the meal with Phoenix.