I went with my coworker to the tattoo shop today. Tomorrow, I'm getting my Orion and my pair of dice. The Orion design I've been working on for months; the dice is a little more impulsive. I'm finally getting some work done on my personal history; all I have right now is my dragon, but I've got several other pieces planned. I'm not ready for the snake/peach piece I've got planned, but I'm glad to get some new art.
Tomorrow is also Games Night. I'm really excited for it; it should be a fun night. I'm glad to have a group of friends coming over for some fun!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
More Thinking
I'm continuing to work over in my mind what's been going on in my life, both recently and more long-term. I don't think I'll ever have it all straight, that's a little too much to ask of my own brain, but I've got some things straight now.
I'm officially over 'Sticks. I wish him well, and maybe down the road we'll be friends, but there is no longer that little part of me that wants to work it out. I've moved on; that was one long phase of my life, but that time is now over.
I'm still not quite sure where I want to go from here. Career-wise, I've got 6 more months to hit 2 years at Parry: 2 years experience is what every other mental health / social work job I've looked at requires. In 6 more months, some doors will open for me.
In the relationship department, I want to keep things as casual as I can manage. I'm not looking for a new boyfriend, and I do NOT want a new project to work on... Well-adjusted only, please, in order to be taken seriously. Not that I want serious, either. I want some fun. I'm not looking to sleaze it up and start a harem (another phase I'm well past), but some fun would be nice.
My package from Kaiser just showed up, so I've got 3 months worth of everything. Keeping myself centered is easier when my body is in agreement.
I'm officially over 'Sticks. I wish him well, and maybe down the road we'll be friends, but there is no longer that little part of me that wants to work it out. I've moved on; that was one long phase of my life, but that time is now over.
I'm still not quite sure where I want to go from here. Career-wise, I've got 6 more months to hit 2 years at Parry: 2 years experience is what every other mental health / social work job I've looked at requires. In 6 more months, some doors will open for me.
In the relationship department, I want to keep things as casual as I can manage. I'm not looking for a new boyfriend, and I do NOT want a new project to work on... Well-adjusted only, please, in order to be taken seriously. Not that I want serious, either. I want some fun. I'm not looking to sleaze it up and start a harem (another phase I'm well past), but some fun would be nice.
My package from Kaiser just showed up, so I've got 3 months worth of everything. Keeping myself centered is easier when my body is in agreement.
Monday, September 27, 2010
No Meds
Kaiser was slow this time through the pharmacy - they haven't sent me my prescriptions yet, and that's a bad things because now I'm out of a couple meds. I'm gonna be somewhat out-of-whack tonight, and I don't like that feeling... Actually, I feel out-of-whack already, but I can imagine that it's going to get worse the farther away from medicine I get. The delivery should arrive in the morning, but who knows, it might be another day after that.
Suck.
Suck.
At Work
I'm posting up from work tonight. My partner's laptop has wireless internet and the unit is quiet. Yay.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Quick...
I'm tired, but still wanting to put up a post before bed.
The fall TV shows have begun starting up this last week, with more starting their seasons next week. For someone deprived of her TV series over the summer break, I'm excited to watch some new episodes.
I'm excited for Games Night on Friday, it's looking to be a solid crowd.
Ok, too tired to come up with anything else... -Out.
The fall TV shows have begun starting up this last week, with more starting their seasons next week. For someone deprived of her TV series over the summer break, I'm excited to watch some new episodes.
I'm excited for Games Night on Friday, it's looking to be a solid crowd.
Ok, too tired to come up with anything else... -Out.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Rent-head :)
The party was a lot of fun. Not exactly what I was expecting, but that was fine. Different crowd that I don't know well, but good times anyway.
The next morning I watched Rent. Since I'm a total Rent-head I've generally related to the characters to help me process troubled times. There's no real trouble lately, but for the first time I find myself relating to Roger instead of Mimi: timid and withdrawn, not assertive and gutsy.
The next morning I watched Rent. Since I'm a total Rent-head I've generally related to the characters to help me process troubled times. There's no real trouble lately, but for the first time I find myself relating to Roger instead of Mimi: timid and withdrawn, not assertive and gutsy.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Mellow
Earlier today was really mellow. Sitting around really bored playing a few different video games and trying to find some new TV to watch. I ended up going to bed early at 9:00, but couldn't fall asleep until about noon. Now I'm up and about, clean and ready to go to a friend's belated birthday party.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Hanson! Woohoo!
The Hanson concert rocked. Plain and simple.
Ok, you don't want plain and simple? It was the perfect way to end the summer. The two opening acts were good rock bands, and the Hanson set was mostly not off the new album (which I still haven't listened to). I sang along to most everything, scratched up my voice screaming, jumped around like a fool, and had a damn blast of a time (I also called a really creepy guy a douchebag to his face, and when telling the story of it my buddy was proud of me). Can't Stop, In The City, Thinking of You, and Been There Before were some of my favorites, but hits like Penny & Me and MmmBop also were great to see live.
After the show, I got one of the spare guitar picks that got thrown out to the crowd. (!!!) I also got a CD from both of the opening acts, and got them both autographed by several members of each band.
(Here's the encore of the Hanson concert; if you look closely when they pan away from Taylor at his piano into the crowd, I'm there - I was straight lined up with the piano for most of the concert (you can pick me out due to my glasses reflecting at 5:30 into the video; and at 13:14, after the show when Ike throws out those extra picks - yeah, I gots me one of 'em *huge grin*). "Crazy Beautiful" isn't a song I particularly like, but the second one they play, "If Only", is one of my FAVORITES!)
After the show, a buddy picked me up and we went to hang out with a bunch of friends at a bar and play Rock Band. I didn't actually play or sing (by the time I worked up the courage, it was time to end), but it was fun hanging out with friends on the last night of the summer.
I feel good about the start of autumn. The old troubles will continue to fall away like leaves, and I'll be able to start clean again. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and trying to be less analytical and more emotional in my processing. I've been trying to find the healthy balances in my life; I'm not there yet, to be sure, but I'm working it out. Balancing withdrawal and over-exuberance, timidity and cockyness, ego and id. I'm finding myself closer to center, and I think this fall will be a good time for me.
Ok, you don't want plain and simple? It was the perfect way to end the summer. The two opening acts were good rock bands, and the Hanson set was mostly not off the new album (which I still haven't listened to). I sang along to most everything, scratched up my voice screaming, jumped around like a fool, and had a damn blast of a time (I also called a really creepy guy a douchebag to his face, and when telling the story of it my buddy was proud of me). Can't Stop, In The City, Thinking of You, and Been There Before were some of my favorites, but hits like Penny & Me and MmmBop also were great to see live.
After the show, I got one of the spare guitar picks that got thrown out to the crowd. (!!!) I also got a CD from both of the opening acts, and got them both autographed by several members of each band.
(Here's the encore of the Hanson concert; if you look closely when they pan away from Taylor at his piano into the crowd, I'm there - I was straight lined up with the piano for most of the concert (you can pick me out due to my glasses reflecting at 5:30 into the video; and at 13:14, after the show when Ike throws out those extra picks - yeah, I gots me one of 'em *huge grin*). "Crazy Beautiful" isn't a song I particularly like, but the second one they play, "If Only", is one of my FAVORITES!)
After the show, a buddy picked me up and we went to hang out with a bunch of friends at a bar and play Rock Band. I didn't actually play or sing (by the time I worked up the courage, it was time to end), but it was fun hanging out with friends on the last night of the summer.
I feel good about the start of autumn. The old troubles will continue to fall away like leaves, and I'll be able to start clean again. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and trying to be less analytical and more emotional in my processing. I've been trying to find the healthy balances in my life; I'm not there yet, to be sure, but I'm working it out. Balancing withdrawal and over-exuberance, timidity and cockyness, ego and id. I'm finding myself closer to center, and I think this fall will be a good time for me.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Adventure
The weekend was awesome. Thursday and Friday night, I went to some new friends' house to watch part of their 6-day long Tom Hanks movie marathon. It was a lot of fun; I'm making new friends and totally enjoying getting out of the house.
Speaking of getting out... Friday night, I left on a mini road trip to California. It was totally on the whim of a friend, who wanted to see Redwood trees for the first time. I was off the grid for a few days, and nobody seemed to notice. The trip was mostly spent driving and napping, but it was still a fun adventure!
Today is totally a Monday, though. Work was rough because we had a kid with a very short attention span up from 2:45 on... It's draining, and I was exhausted from the random sleep times of the trip, so I wasn't happy with the world. But by 8 when breakfast started, things had thoroughly mellowed out, and I was able to finish up paperwork and get out only a little late.
Now, I have a Caesar salad to eat and a small pile of TV to watch.
Speaking of getting out... Friday night, I left on a mini road trip to California. It was totally on the whim of a friend, who wanted to see Redwood trees for the first time. I was off the grid for a few days, and nobody seemed to notice. The trip was mostly spent driving and napping, but it was still a fun adventure!
Today is totally a Monday, though. Work was rough because we had a kid with a very short attention span up from 2:45 on... It's draining, and I was exhausted from the random sleep times of the trip, so I wasn't happy with the world. But by 8 when breakfast started, things had thoroughly mellowed out, and I was able to finish up paperwork and get out only a little late.
Now, I have a Caesar salad to eat and a small pile of TV to watch.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Trying to remember...
I'm trying to make a daily habit of posting here. Airing out my troubles seems to be helping to handle them. I'm still getting used to it, though. I'm not the best writer, so getting words on screen doesn't always flow naturally for me.
It's the last night of work before the weekend. I'm not sure what I'll be doing; plans for the camping trip fell through. I'll probably go out to watch DJ Switch tomorrow night if anyone else is likely to be our there. The couple times I've gone out there there's been a few folks I know there, and it's been fun. The only flaw is that it's a bar so I end up drinking, even though it's my relative morning. I'm not sure I want to make a weekly habit of going out there, but it has been fun so far.
A friend who I hadn't heard from in a few years tracked me down yesterday; we had a chat on the phone, and he told me about what's been going on in his life. He's stuck in a situation he doesn't like, and doesn't see a good way out of it. Apparently, he's been reminiscing about old times of ours lately. I'm not really sure how I feel about that.
In general, things are good. I'm keeping in control of myself and working towards getting better. I wish there were a way to speed up the process, but of course there isn't, it's just something that has to happen. I want to be happy without all this effort again, but the fact that I'm happy at all most of the time shows that whatever I'm doing, it seems to be helping. This combination of medications, emotional outlets, and socializing is working for me.
It's the last night of work before the weekend. I'm not sure what I'll be doing; plans for the camping trip fell through. I'll probably go out to watch DJ Switch tomorrow night if anyone else is likely to be our there. The couple times I've gone out there there's been a few folks I know there, and it's been fun. The only flaw is that it's a bar so I end up drinking, even though it's my relative morning. I'm not sure I want to make a weekly habit of going out there, but it has been fun so far.
A friend who I hadn't heard from in a few years tracked me down yesterday; we had a chat on the phone, and he told me about what's been going on in his life. He's stuck in a situation he doesn't like, and doesn't see a good way out of it. Apparently, he's been reminiscing about old times of ours lately. I'm not really sure how I feel about that.
In general, things are good. I'm keeping in control of myself and working towards getting better. I wish there were a way to speed up the process, but of course there isn't, it's just something that has to happen. I want to be happy without all this effort again, but the fact that I'm happy at all most of the time shows that whatever I'm doing, it seems to be helping. This combination of medications, emotional outlets, and socializing is working for me.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Romance...
I miss romance. I have for quite some time, as that wasn't really part of the relationship with 'Sticks. When I get to the other side of this process, I look forward to dates, dinners, and the sweet stuff. Sounds totally cheesy, and it really is, but that's something I miss. Not looking for it yet, but that's something to look forward to down the line.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Damn
I start to feel like I'm getting a handle on things, I start to stabilize, and then 'Sticks goes off again about how suicidal he is, and I lose it all over again. The guilt that puts on a person is unfair, and certainly not the way to win back their heart. I could end his pain for him and give him new hope, but I won't... And I feel so soulless.
Monday
Yup, that's right, it's Monday folks. Now I know why none of my coworkers came out to watch Indy - one of the bosses had a birthday, and damn near everyone was out there. Maybe I wasn't invited because they all knew I had other plans, but it's a bit of a letdown not to even be invited and then see everyone on Facebook.
Oh, well.
My spirits are still high from that long chat and from the party. Friends are good for you, and I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. But good god, there's a lot of leftover beer from the party! I've been invited to go camping for a friend's birthday next weekend, so I can probably donate to the cause there. I'm waiting to hear who else is going, though - I want there to be at least a few people if I'm going to go along. It's be a little weird otherwise. And I'd have to work out a ride, but the bribe of free beer (AFTER driving!) ought to help me out.
Oh, well.
My spirits are still high from that long chat and from the party. Friends are good for you, and I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. But good god, there's a lot of leftover beer from the party! I've been invited to go camping for a friend's birthday next weekend, so I can probably donate to the cause there. I'm waiting to hear who else is going, though - I want there to be at least a few people if I'm going to go along. It's be a little weird otherwise. And I'd have to work out a ride, but the bribe of free beer (AFTER driving!) ought to help me out.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Indy!
Indiana Jones party was a big success. Turnout was small, but we had a great time. Old friends, new friends, and a guy I'd only met the day before. There was enough beer to fill the fridge (and it was still mostly full at the end!), a Smash Brothers Brawl intermission, and all four movies were watched. There are some photos up on Facebook, but I didn't have my camera out very long.
Popular demand is for a Games Night, so I'm gonna start planning one of those!
Popular demand is for a Games Night, so I'm gonna start planning one of those!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thinking Again
I had a long conversation with my best friend, and he did a good job pointing some things out to me - things in front of my face that I just couldn't see on my own. The base line is that I need to find a way to feel confident other than wrapping guys around my little finger. When my ego is on the line, I tend to use the manipulation of men to help myself feel better, and this is bad both for using men and for the inability to self-soothe.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Lyric Snipets
"Peers don't know what they can't see
They can't see inside of me
It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be" - Eve 6
They can't see inside of me
It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be" - Eve 6
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Excited
I'm almost over the cold, and the Indiana Jones party looks like it's going to be a success. Right now, things are looking good - lots of friends to hang out with.
I was also talking with a friend about maybe doing a weekend trip to the coast next week; this sounds great to me. I need to get out of town for a bit, but it is much better to go adventuring with someone than adventuring solo.
I was also talking with a friend about maybe doing a weekend trip to the coast next week; this sounds great to me. I need to get out of town for a bit, but it is much better to go adventuring with someone than adventuring solo.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Pain
Currently Feeling: pain
My throat is burning with pain. I had to call out sick from work. I don't like this at all... Boo-hiss.
I'm taking the night off to get better, hopefully all will be right before Friday night.
My throat is burning with pain. I had to call out sick from work. I don't like this at all... Boo-hiss.
I'm taking the night off to get better, hopefully all will be right before Friday night.
Optimism
The mood swings are still getting out of control, but with the extreme lows comes the occasional high. I've been hearing back from folks about the Indy party, and along with several (expected) "can't make it"s, I've heard from several folks who are planning on coming over. This gives me something to look forward to, which is exactly what I need to keep me moving forward. Old friends and new friends, it's looking nice; maybe a neighbor and a coworker, too.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Tunes
Listening to an album you haven't heard in years has a wonderful calming effect for me: the comfort of something familiar but forgotten, and the catharsis that comes with listening to music in general. I'm feeling better; I need a daily dose of music to supplement the medications.
Containment
Currently Feeling: anxiety, frustration
I'm headed towards a dark place, and I don't want to go there. I hate going into a depression; it sucks. But right now fighting the depression is taking all the energy I've got. It seems so much easier to just let it happen and feel bad and do bad things for a while... And that's terrible to even be thinking that way. I don't like what I do when I hit that dark place, but I don't know how much more strength I've got to fight it. The negative impulses are getting harder to ignore. Why not just get on a bus to Seattle and find a hostel or something for a week? My employer finally credited me the 60+ hours of vacation time that has been in administrative-error-limbo for months. Or why not hitch-hike to the coast for that week? Why not go out to a bar and get shit-faced for breakfast on the weekend? It's not like I've got anything to stay on the straight-and-narrow for. I've got to give credit to 'Sticks for that one - he gave me a motivation to keep it together, someone to be strong for (even if I wasn't always very good at it). Now that that is gone, what's holding me back from pure impulse? The answer is not fucking much... My own rationality can only get me so far.
I'm headed towards a dark place, and I don't want to go there. I hate going into a depression; it sucks. But right now fighting the depression is taking all the energy I've got. It seems so much easier to just let it happen and feel bad and do bad things for a while... And that's terrible to even be thinking that way. I don't like what I do when I hit that dark place, but I don't know how much more strength I've got to fight it. The negative impulses are getting harder to ignore. Why not just get on a bus to Seattle and find a hostel or something for a week? My employer finally credited me the 60+ hours of vacation time that has been in administrative-error-limbo for months. Or why not hitch-hike to the coast for that week? Why not go out to a bar and get shit-faced for breakfast on the weekend? It's not like I've got anything to stay on the straight-and-narrow for. I've got to give credit to 'Sticks for that one - he gave me a motivation to keep it together, someone to be strong for (even if I wasn't always very good at it). Now that that is gone, what's holding me back from pure impulse? The answer is not fucking much... My own rationality can only get me so far.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Off to Work
Currently Feeling: sleepy, pain
I'm getting ready for work; my weekend is over. My lower back is in a lot of pain, and I don't know why. I didn't get enough sleep (as usual), so I'm tired.
I'm getting ready for work; my weekend is over. My lower back is in a lot of pain, and I don't know why. I didn't get enough sleep (as usual), so I'm tired.
New Start
Currently Feeling: focused
I've been going through a rough patch in my life, following the end of a 4-year long romantic relationship. I've got a steady job with union benefits, so I'm financially secure for now. However, I'm seriously lacking an outlet for my frustrations/hang-ups/conflictions that are going on in the wake of Chopsticks. He's made it clear that for his own emotionally well-being, he needs to keep the title of 'friend' on Facebook, and so far I've been indulging him in that; I will probably continue to, as I do like to see what's going on in his world, too. But as a result, I can't post my personal business on Facebook because I don't feel comfortable unloading where he can see it.
Thus, I'm starting a blog. This is more of a personal space to air out some of the baggage I'm carrying, and to write out some of the dialogue that is always running in my head.
Currently Feeling: internal conflict, shame, guilt
It would be so easy for me to end his suffering, by sacrificing my own happiness. I could tell him to move back in, things are forgiven and forgotten, and pretend like this breakup never even occurred. But I can't do that. For purely selfish reasons I am making him suffer, and I feel much guilt and shame over it. I could end his suffering, but I just don't want to abandon all my hope and aspirations, and just settle for something that will only continue to hurt me. I can't sacrifice my happiness for his, and that makes me feel very soul-less. I'm a very giving, caring, compassionate person under the rough covering, and I feel guilty for not being willing to ease his pain.
Currently Feeling: conflict, curiosity, guilt
I've done very little going out and showcasing my singleness, so I've had very little attention directed my way. My therapist wants me to go out and find social activities to do, because I need that bond of friendship to keep me going through this stretch. I really really need friends right now, and my stock is pretty low. I've burned a lot of bridges over the years, and I've got a very small core of people I socialize with.
I'm trying to expand my circle of friends, but there's the complication of potential new friends being attractive guys. I'm starved for attention all around, and romantic interest is particularly intriguing but just not viable. I'm a mess, and I don't want to get anyone sucked into inevitable drama just because I'm needy. The rational side of my mind knows that any sort of relationship I might build would be temporary and shallow (rebound), and doesn't want any part of anything. There are also baser instincts at work, and feeling lonely makes me inclined to not care who's feeling got hurt along the way; I'm starved for attention and that part of me doesn't care where it comes from. Related to the rational side is the compassionate side that doesn't want anyone to get hurt by recklessness (which I am prone to); to indulge in something for instant gratification would leave a trail of broken things in its wake.
Currently Feeling: tired
My sleeping meds are starting to kick in, so I'd better stop while this is still relatively coherent. Thanks for reading, there should be more of these to come.
I've been going through a rough patch in my life, following the end of a 4-year long romantic relationship. I've got a steady job with union benefits, so I'm financially secure for now. However, I'm seriously lacking an outlet for my frustrations/hang-ups/conflictions that are going on in the wake of Chopsticks. He's made it clear that for his own emotionally well-being, he needs to keep the title of 'friend' on Facebook, and so far I've been indulging him in that; I will probably continue to, as I do like to see what's going on in his world, too. But as a result, I can't post my personal business on Facebook because I don't feel comfortable unloading where he can see it.
Thus, I'm starting a blog. This is more of a personal space to air out some of the baggage I'm carrying, and to write out some of the dialogue that is always running in my head.
Currently Feeling: internal conflict, shame, guilt
It would be so easy for me to end his suffering, by sacrificing my own happiness. I could tell him to move back in, things are forgiven and forgotten, and pretend like this breakup never even occurred. But I can't do that. For purely selfish reasons I am making him suffer, and I feel much guilt and shame over it. I could end his suffering, but I just don't want to abandon all my hope and aspirations, and just settle for something that will only continue to hurt me. I can't sacrifice my happiness for his, and that makes me feel very soul-less. I'm a very giving, caring, compassionate person under the rough covering, and I feel guilty for not being willing to ease his pain.
Currently Feeling: conflict, curiosity, guilt
I've done very little going out and showcasing my singleness, so I've had very little attention directed my way. My therapist wants me to go out and find social activities to do, because I need that bond of friendship to keep me going through this stretch. I really really need friends right now, and my stock is pretty low. I've burned a lot of bridges over the years, and I've got a very small core of people I socialize with.
I'm trying to expand my circle of friends, but there's the complication of potential new friends being attractive guys. I'm starved for attention all around, and romantic interest is particularly intriguing but just not viable. I'm a mess, and I don't want to get anyone sucked into inevitable drama just because I'm needy. The rational side of my mind knows that any sort of relationship I might build would be temporary and shallow (rebound), and doesn't want any part of anything. There are also baser instincts at work, and feeling lonely makes me inclined to not care who's feeling got hurt along the way; I'm starved for attention and that part of me doesn't care where it comes from. Related to the rational side is the compassionate side that doesn't want anyone to get hurt by recklessness (which I am prone to); to indulge in something for instant gratification would leave a trail of broken things in its wake.
Currently Feeling: tired
My sleeping meds are starting to kick in, so I'd better stop while this is still relatively coherent. Thanks for reading, there should be more of these to come.
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