Post-Christmas Rundown

I spent my Christmas weekend out at my dad's house. His parents live in the same town now, and his brother's family was up to visit. I got to spend plenty of time with them over the few days I was up there. I baked cookies at my grandma's with one of my cousins; unlike the children I work with, she did not try to fling anything in the kitchen at my head, lol.
Before I left, I opened my presents from my mom and sister. My sister gave me a framed photo of her family, which is now on my livingroom bookcase with my other photos. My mom had already had me go out shopping for a new microwave:
I also got new frying pans and other kitchen gear from her. I got money from grandparents and my uncle and aunt; I'm setting it aside for a 3DS when it comes out in March. My dad is going to get me a new futon mattress for my bed; the futon place was closed this weekend, so we'll be picking it up on Thursday after work.

Late at night on Christmas, I spent a while chatting online with a friend of mine; apparently said friend is very interested in me, and I hadn't really noticed this on my own - it had to be pointed out quite bluntly. I'm not sure how I feel in return (I really hadn't thought much about him and I), but I certainly appreciate someone thinking I'm awesome. Hopefully he wasn't just yanking my chain (I'm kind of suspicious like that these days).

I had to come home a few hours earlier than I'd planned on. I was just getting too overwhelmed with all the family around. I kind of just needed to get home and chill out by myself. I felt myself getting grumpy, went upstairs and read for a little while, and when I came back down I was still on edge so I asked my dad if he could give me a ride back then. He was very understanding, and we left shortly after. That was yesterday afternoon, and I've been awake most of the night - I've had to play with my sleep cycle this weekend, staying up all day Thursday into the evening. I took a long nap last evening to accommodate shifting it back to night, but I'm pretty tired now. A little reading time, then I'm off to bed for the day.

Isolation

I've been spending time with friends this weekend. It's good to see people, and I know it's generally good for me to be out and social. Because of this, the time I spend by myself feels even more alone. I feel very disconnected right now, despite seeing several friends today. I'm not sure where it's coming from. There is also an unfounded fear and skepticism that those spending time with me would rather not; it's absurd, but I know I'm not exactly thinking clearly. I can rationalize that what I'm experiencing is clearly false, but I'm still experiencing it... ~sigh~ I have friends and those friends care about me; I'm just a bit out of my mind. I'm not all alone, and if I needed it there are several people who would come over just to help me feel better. My emotional and rational minds are having a disagreement.

Sleep

Why do I look so forward to sleep these days? All my time awake is just biding my time before I can sleep again. I don't really care much what happens... I want to have fun, of course, and yesterday was a really great day full of spending time with friends. And yet I still have this feeling of relief, ~sigh~ ah, I can go to sleep now. I'm just filling up empty space between comfy rests. I don't think this is a good outlook to be having, but it's what I've got right now.

"Let me fill these empty spaces,
Better late than never, stay forever.
Let me fill this empty space,
'Cause there's always room for one more mistake." - SR-71

Damage

Work last night was looooong. Not as long as my 16.5 hour shift last week, but it felt it. Got started with a bang with having to keep a kiddo up late for medical reasons. Then another munchkin woke up from a nightmare screaming, had an accident on the unit, and then freaked the hell out when I tried to get her to go into the bathroom to change.

Things could have gone so much worse at so many points last night, but I still wish it had all gone better...

Silly Cat Videos

I am going to continue the internet-old tradition of posting silly videos of my cat, seen here on the floor:




And another of my cat trying to eat the wrist strap on the camera:

Lyric Snipets

"She pretends to her friends she's got somewhere to go
They don't ask where so they'll never know how she feels"
- Alana Davis

"And I'd give it all away just to have somewhere to go to"
- Linkin Park

Laundry

I hate doing laundry. As Dr. Horrible put it, it's a "stunningly boring chore." I like warm clean clothes, and I don't like wearing staff that's starting to get funky from not seeing the washer for too long, but I really just don't care enough to bother doing it very often. A few pairs of pants can survive over clean underwear. I own about 50 pairs of underwear, so that's how many days I can go between forced loads of laundry.
So, I nerve myself up to do some this morning - it's getting pretty shallow in the underwear box - and what does my hard work invite???


Yes, that's my cat laying on my pile of clean laundry! (Sorry, my camera is old and takes really poor video.)

Embarrassment

Why can't I shake the feeling that I'm making an absolute fool of myself? I'm sure that occasionally it's justified, but why won't that feeling go away? In most social situations these days, I come out of every verbal volley with that anxious heart race and facial flush that comes with embarrassing yourself. I'm not sure why I'm having such a run of social anxiety lately; I haven't had it this bad since high school. I suspect it's just another one of those things I picked up from my time with Chopsticks - a profound insecurity. I've never been good at taking complements, and have always responded awkwardly (one of those things that's been with me since my insult-ridden upbringing), but I have just about nil self-worth these days; I just feel stupid every time I open my mouth. That false bravado I used to be able to pull out of my back pocket on a whim is gone; I'm so unsure, so timid!

Idle

I'm in another state of limbo; I am adrift. My job seems reasonably secure right now, so I'm not letting myself stress over it. I'd rather there was a different dynamic at work, but it is what it is, and I'm doing my best to conform to the system.

My love life is still nil, but at least there's a little humor to it now: the other night, while getting a ride home from a friend with another drunk friend in tow, the drunk friend turns to me and (basically) goes: Hey, you know, it'd be cool if we could fuck. But you know, you really should sleep with my buddy here, he's the best friend in the world. The drunk's comments and the driver's silence could be interpreted in a variety of ways, but I don't really care to bother analyzing today.

I'm not sure where I'm going. I continuing my dead-end job (there's a TTL (boss) position opening up, but a) there's no way in hell I'd get promoted due to the backbiting and b) I'm genuinely not qualified.) My romantic life is nonexistent for now. My social calender leaves me a lot of empty time to fill...

And now, as per usual, off to bed~~~

"What A Scene" - Goo Goo Dolls

"What A Scene"

When you're feeling all wrong in the back of your mind again
How does it feel?
When you drop down, everything's all the same

Saccharine, caffeine, nicotine gum
Yeah, it tastes sweet, but it's not for long
And I just think you thought it would be

When you're looking for truth on the cover of a magazine
How does it feel
When you find out what you're not gonna be?

They give you your image and the things you believe
Open your eyes tell me what did you see
And I just think you thought it surreal

How does it feel when you're out on your own
And now it's too late to come home?
And it's hard to be free when you're down on your knees
Take it easy 'til you make it alone

Now you're a supermarket punk rock television comedy
Out on the scene
Yeah, I bit down, now there's no hand to feed

And all the beautiful images lining your walls
Pop radio screaming down the halls
Now you think you found something real

When it's all about money and the things that you need
Live a big lie and they all believe
Now I just find that somehow obscene

How does it feel when you're out on your own
And now it's too late to come home
And it's hard to be free when you're down on your knees
Take it easy 'til you make it alone
Take it easy 'til you make it alone

What a scene
Yeah
When it's all been said before
And all been done
Take it easy 'til you make it alone
Take it easy 'til you make it alone

Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah...etc
Lies weigh more than truth
Innocence looks good on you
Now everybody wants to know your name

Lying

Well, the blog-a-day plan fell through pretty quickly; going out of town doesn't help you keep plans. I had access to a computer, but I just wasn't thinking about it.
The trip to Eugene was nice. It was good to get out of my apartment for a while, and also good to see an old friend. We didn't do much, but it was still a good trip. We missed out on hanging out more due to both our weird sleep schedules.

I don't consider myself to be much of a liar. I tell the truth to the degree that most people are put off by how blunt I am. But when it comes to the question "how are you doing?" I rotely reply "fine." It doesn't matter what I'm really feeling, the socially acceptable answer to that question is "fine." I have a hard time reading social cues, so I don't really know when it's the proper time to open up and divulge more, so I almost always answer a simple "fine."
Am I really "fine"? Not usually. I'm either feeling pretty darn good, but don't want to brag or hold my doing well over someone who might not be having such a good day, or I'm doing really poorly and I don't want to ruin another's good mood. I was recently called out for this. I was feeling pretty mixed up, a lot of negative thoughts in my head, a lot of uncertainty, and I was asked how I was doing. "Fine." I was told that my eyes showed that to be a lie. It was true, and I could feel the hint of tears wanting to well up due to my feelings, but I didn't really know how to answer, because I so often keep what's going on to myself. This blog was created in an attempt to air things out, but I haven't been using it much. I didn't know what to do but retreat further into my mind and mumble "sorry."
Right now I'm home alone. Again. I hate it. ...I need to take a nap. I got up early to try to make myself some plans for tonight. I have a phone again, but very few of my friends' numbers, so I posted up online. The usual: no response. I got up early and got nothing out of it but being more tired and depressed now.
How am I going to deal tonight? I have to ask myself that question most nights. How many tricks can I pull out of my sleeve to keep my spirits up, or at least to distract myself long enough that the night passes? I've got two more episodes of SG:U to watch, and then I'm out of TV shows. I've already played a few hours of Fallout tonight, I don't really feel like playing more. I read 250 pages in two days of the 500 page book I'm reading, so I am a little burnt out with that... I only have one glass of wine in the house, so I won't drink my boredom away. Pills to calm me down? Nah, not tonight... I'll find some mundane tasks to string together to fill the time before I can go to bed again.

Eugene

I hate airplanes because they make me sick. I'm headed to spend a few days in Eugene, and I'm coming down with a head-cold.

Blog-A-Day

My sister informed me that in November, bloggers do a blog a day for the whole month. I'll be making an attempt to post daily.
First off, I'm currently without my phone. I lost it Saturday night at a party... It's frustrating to be cut off, even though I don't get that many calls anyway.
Last night at work was rough. I had to be involved in a couple of holds, and I'm banged up from it. My elbow is bruised from posting it on the ground; my wrist is clawed; my left shoulder and arm are sore and my hand numb from straining them in the holds; and my nerves are kinda shot from it all. Kids were up and violent from 4:30 on: that's a bad night. Lots of kids up and off track with not enough staff to safely manage them is worse... Yeah, it was the worse kind of night. Thankfully, there were no bodily fluids involved (except sweat)!

Airplanes

In a few minutes, I'll be leaving to fly down to California for my grandfather's funeral. I'm not exactly excited about the whole ordeal, but the plane rides should at least be entertaining. The Thompson clan will be together again; this could be good or bad. I always feel like a black sheep in the family, as all my cousins and older siblings are much more successful than I am, and I can't even get away with being the youngest of the family, as my younger sister will be coming down with us.I don't have anything to show: no house, no degree, no career, no family...

Usual

It's a usual night - I'm headed off to work. As usual, I hope tonight will be uneventful. Wish me luck.

"Alive" - SR-71

Bored...

I'm at home and bored. I wish there was something going on that I could be a part of tonight... But it looks like it's going to be another night at home, alone and bored. *sigh*

I makes me feel pathetically desperate to be practically begging people to hang out with me, but no one's taking me up...

"There are no useful drugs to escape from feeling numb" - Boxcar Racer

Coping

There's been some genuinely bad stuff that's happened recently. I've been upset over legitimate problems. I'm upset and sad, but I'm not depressed; I handling it was best as I can, and not letting the negativity spiral out of control like it has in the past.
My strategy has been keeping busy and spending time with friends. I've been texting old friends and spending time with new ones.
-Aww, Chaos just snuggled into my sweatshirt on the couch: sweet kitty!-
I've got plans to go out with a group of friends on Saturday to celebrate a birthday; on Thursday I'll be flying down to California for my grandfather's funeral; next Saturday I'm going to a Halloween party; and in about two weeks I'll be down in Eugene visiting a friend.

"Happy in the Meantime" - Lit

Good Weekend

This weekend was fairly eventful, so I ought to post about it! (I'm posting on an old computer with a cranky keyboard, so if there are letters missing, sorry!)
Thursday night: I went out to Space Room to hang out with Switch. Only one other 'fan' of his was there, so it wasfairly dull. We hung out after, though, and got food out at Banning's. I did a ton of laundry Friday morning, and some general housekeeping to get ready for the party.
Friday night: The Kevin Smith marathon was a dud, but it was still fun to watch about 12 hours of his stuff!
Saturday night: Went to MVP to support Switch and caught the end of the Beavers game - sad ending. Met up with another friend there, and went to a party nearby hosted by people I didn't know. It turned out nicely - the host was very nice (and fairly drunk), and poured me a generous glass of wine.
Now it's early Monday morning, and I'm killing some time at work. All the children are sleeping, so all is well.

Owww

My head is pounding, so this will be short. Last night was pretty mellow at work, but I wasn't quite at the top of my game; and having to play football with one of the kiddos didn't really help. I hope to feel better tonight, if so maybe I'll go out to Space Room to hang out with Switch. I still need to clean the apartment and do laundry before the Kevin Smith party Friday night. I'm gonna watch a little TV and then go to bed early.

Better

I'm feeling much better. I slept much of the last two days, and all that rest gave my body the down time it needed to heal whatever that was. I'll be back at work tonight, and I'll be on top of it.
Kevin Smith night looks to be small, but that's ok. It'll still be fun and silly - Jay and Silent Bob forever! Hopefully it will be a success, but I will have the house ready either way.
The tattoos have healed up nicely. The lighter ink numbering on the dice is obvious now, and the stars are dark and sharp. The dice are no longer scabs; they've healed past that point. The stars are still healing, though.

Sick

I don't know what's up, but I'm feeling drained today. I don't have the flu, no fever, minor cold symptoms, but I just feel run down. It might be a depression coming on; hopefully today's rest and relaxation will help me and not hurt me.

Seattle

The trip to Seattle was a lot of fun. It ended up being a long day trip, but we visited several fun places while there: a piano bar, attempted to visit the sculpture garden but instead walked along the coast (or whatever it is, it smelled like the ocean), an all-night diner, a nifty little park, and Pike's Place (no, I didn't buy any fish).

Packed

I'm all packed up and ready to go; we're going to be leaving town shortly. Going to Seattle for the next couple days, and will be back in time to work Sunday night.
I've got clothes, LotR, a deck of cards, my iPod and DS, jerky, granola bars, and juice. What else could I need...?

Weekend

It's the weekend, and I'm happy for that. The week was fine at work, but I'm glad to have some time to relax and goof off.
Switch woke me up early tonight, instructing me to go out to his bar to listen to him DJ. I called Tri-Met to find out when the next bus was leaving - 12 minutes. So, I got dressed and hustled out the door. I mostly hung out listening to music, playing my DS, and later chatting with another friend who came out. The three of us went out for breakfast afterwards - my stomach is not so happy about the chocolate milkshake I put in after the three cocktails at the bar... But that will settle soon enough, my stomach is just finicky.
Going on another adventure this weekend - leaving for Seattle tonight. Much shorter distance to travel than last time, so hopefully we'll have more time to wander around and be touristy. I'm also a little more prepped for this trip - snacks and juice have been acquired for traveling.

Blah

I don't really like being so out of sync with the world; my night schedule makes it pretty much impossible to see anyone during the workweek. It leaves me a little isolated. I can handle it with the strength I've had lately, but at times it's been pretty brutal. The thing is, I don't want to give up my cushy overnight spot - I could probably get a day shift, but I don't want to get paid less to take more abuse. I'll sacrifice my social life to not get bit at work.
In the wake of the Games Night success, I'm now planning a Kevin Smith movie marathon - my favorites in one evening; err, one evening and night. Four movies in a row; these are mostly 90-minute movies, though, so the total run time for all four is only about 7 hours - that's short for a marathon of mine. :)
I need a hobby. A new hobby, anyway. I want to get back into costuming, but a) I need a new sewing machine and b) I don't really do any LARPing or anything that needs a costume these days. Video games and TV/movies are my main hobby currently, but that's a little to blah.

Nice

Things are nice these days. I don't really know what things, but then again it doesn't really matter. I'm feeling happy; no sense of impending doom or anything like that. Just, peace. I don't have to understand it, I just am happy to enjoy it.
My tattoos seem to be healing up nicely. There are still a few things I'm not fond of with the dice, but they still look good; Orion's gorgeous - just what I wanted. They're kinda itchy at times, depending on what I'm wearing, but no pain. I've got photos up on facebook, now.
Work is work. I was in the middle of a food fight today - as in, I was between two kids who were trying to throw yogurt, etc. at each other! It could easily be worse. Food over bodily fluids, any day.
Oh, and happy birthday Mom, happy early birthday Papa!

Breakfast

Went to breakfast with my family this morning. My parents weren't too thrilled to hear about the new tattoos, and my step-dad spent much of the time talking about how his dad is dying.
Now it's time for me to start the workweek back up again. *sigh* It pays the bills.

Successes

Games Night was a total success! Had 10 people playing Apples to Apples in my living room last night - it was a lot of fun. Next up is a Kevin Smith marathon.
The tattoos were mixed success - the Orion looks awesome, but I'm not so keen on the dice. I'm gonna wait it out a bit to see how they look once the swelling goes down, but the numbering is blotchy and the 1 is crooked (or at least it looks that way right now).

Prep

I'm taking a break from getting ready for everything today. I've got the bathroom clean, I'm halfway through the dishes, and the living room's been tidied up. I still need to:
vacuum
do laundry
shower
go to the liquor store
go to grocery store (pizza and mixers)
After that, I've got the tattoo appointment at 3 this afternoon across town. I'm really excited!

Tattoo

I went with my coworker to the tattoo shop today. Tomorrow, I'm getting my Orion and my pair of dice. The Orion design I've been working on for months; the dice is a little more impulsive. I'm finally getting some work done on my personal history; all I have right now is my dragon, but I've got several other pieces planned. I'm not ready for the snake/peach piece I've got planned, but I'm glad to get some new art.
Tomorrow is also Games Night. I'm really excited for it; it should be a fun night. I'm glad to have a group of friends coming over for some fun!

More Thinking

I'm continuing to work over in my mind what's been going on in my life, both recently and more long-term. I don't think I'll ever have it all straight, that's a little too much to ask of my own brain, but I've got some things straight now.
I'm officially over 'Sticks. I wish him well, and maybe down the road we'll be friends, but there is no longer that little part of me that wants to work it out. I've moved on; that was one long phase of my life, but that time is now over.
I'm still not quite sure where I want to go from here. Career-wise, I've got 6 more months to hit 2 years at Parry: 2 years experience is what every other mental health / social work job I've looked at requires. In 6 more months, some doors will open for me.
In the relationship department, I want to keep things as casual as I can manage. I'm not looking for a new boyfriend, and I do NOT want a new project to work on... Well-adjusted only, please, in order to be taken seriously. Not that I want serious, either. I want some fun. I'm not looking to sleaze it up and start a harem (another phase I'm well past), but some fun would be nice.
My package from Kaiser just showed up, so I've got 3 months worth of everything. Keeping myself centered is easier when my body is in agreement.

No Meds

Kaiser was slow this time through the pharmacy - they haven't sent me my prescriptions yet, and that's a bad things because now I'm out of a couple meds. I'm gonna be somewhat out-of-whack tonight, and I don't like that feeling... Actually, I feel out-of-whack already, but I can imagine that it's going to get worse the farther away from medicine I get. The delivery should arrive in the morning, but who knows, it might be another day after that.
Suck.

At Work

I'm posting up from work tonight. My partner's laptop has wireless internet and the unit is quiet. Yay.

Quick...

I'm tired, but still wanting to put up a post before bed.
The fall TV shows have begun starting up this last week, with more starting their seasons next week. For someone deprived of her TV series over the summer break, I'm excited to watch some new episodes.
I'm excited for Games Night on Friday, it's looking to be a solid crowd.
Ok, too tired to come up with anything else... -Out.

Rent-head :)

The party was a lot of fun. Not exactly what I was expecting, but that was fine. Different crowd that I don't know well, but good times anyway.
The next morning I watched Rent. Since I'm a total Rent-head I've generally related to the characters to help me process troubled times. There's no real trouble lately, but for the first time I find myself relating to Roger instead of Mimi: timid and withdrawn, not assertive and gutsy.

Mellow

Earlier today was really mellow. Sitting around really bored playing a few different video games and trying to find some new TV to watch. I ended up going to bed early at 9:00, but couldn't fall asleep until about noon. Now I'm up and about, clean and ready to go to a friend's belated birthday party.

Hanson! Woohoo!

The Hanson concert rocked. Plain and simple.
Ok, you don't want plain and simple? It was the perfect way to end the summer. The two opening acts were good rock bands, and the Hanson set was mostly not off the new album (which I still haven't listened to). I sang along to most everything, scratched up my voice screaming, jumped around like a fool, and had a damn blast of a time (I also called a really creepy guy a douchebag to his face, and when telling the story of it my buddy was proud of me). Can't Stop, In The City, Thinking of You, and Been There Before were some of my favorites, but hits like Penny & Me and MmmBop also were great to see live.
After the show, I got one of the spare guitar picks that got thrown out to the crowd. (!!!) I also got a CD from both of the opening acts, and got them both autographed by several members of each band.



(Here's the encore of the Hanson concert; if you look closely when they pan away from Taylor at his piano into the crowd, I'm there - I was straight lined up with the piano for most of the concert (you can pick me out due to my glasses reflecting at 5:30 into the video; and at 13:14, after the show when Ike throws out those extra picks - yeah, I gots me one of 'em *huge grin*). "Crazy Beautiful" isn't a song I particularly like, but the second one they play, "If Only", is one of my FAVORITES!)


After the show, a buddy picked me up and we went to hang out with a bunch of friends at a bar and play Rock Band. I didn't actually play or sing (by the time I worked up the courage, it was time to end), but it was fun hanging out with friends on the last night of the summer.
I feel good about the start of autumn. The old troubles will continue to fall away like leaves, and I'll be able to start clean again. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and trying to be less analytical and more emotional in my processing. I've been trying to find the healthy balances in my life; I'm not there yet, to be sure, but I'm working it out. Balancing withdrawal and over-exuberance, timidity and cockyness, ego and id. I'm finding myself closer to center, and I think this fall will be a good time for me.

Adventure

The weekend was awesome. Thursday and Friday night, I went to some new friends' house to watch part of their 6-day long Tom Hanks movie marathon. It was a lot of fun; I'm making new friends and totally enjoying getting out of the house.
Speaking of getting out... Friday night, I left on a mini road trip to California. It was totally on the whim of a friend, who wanted to see Redwood trees for the first time. I was off the grid for a few days, and nobody seemed to notice. The trip was mostly spent driving and napping, but it was still a fun adventure!
Today is totally a Monday, though. Work was rough because we had a kid with a very short attention span up from 2:45 on... It's draining, and I was exhausted from the random sleep times of the trip, so I wasn't happy with the world. But by 8 when breakfast started, things had thoroughly mellowed out, and I was able to finish up paperwork and get out only a little late.
Now, I have a Caesar salad to eat and a small pile of TV to watch.

Trying to remember...

I'm trying to make a daily habit of posting here. Airing out my troubles seems to be helping to handle them. I'm still getting used to it, though. I'm not the best writer, so getting words on screen doesn't always flow naturally for me.
It's the last night of work before the weekend. I'm not sure what I'll be doing; plans for the camping trip fell through. I'll probably go out to watch DJ Switch tomorrow night if anyone else is likely to be our there. The couple times I've gone out there there's been a few folks I know there, and it's been fun. The only flaw is that it's a bar so I end up drinking, even though it's my relative morning. I'm not sure I want to make a weekly habit of going out there, but it has been fun so far.
A friend who I hadn't heard from in a few years tracked me down yesterday; we had a chat on the phone, and he told me about what's been going on in his life. He's stuck in a situation he doesn't like, and doesn't see a good way out of it. Apparently, he's been reminiscing about old times of ours lately. I'm not really sure how I feel about that.
In general, things are good. I'm keeping in control of myself and working towards getting better. I wish there were a way to speed up the process, but of course there isn't, it's just something that has to happen. I want to be happy without all this effort again, but the fact that I'm happy at all most of the time shows that whatever I'm doing, it seems to be helping. This combination of medications, emotional outlets, and socializing is working for me.

Romance...

I miss romance. I have for quite some time, as that wasn't really part of the relationship with 'Sticks. When I get to the other side of this process, I look forward to dates, dinners, and the sweet stuff. Sounds totally cheesy, and it really is, but that's something I miss. Not looking for it yet, but that's something to look forward to down the line.

Damn

I start to feel like I'm getting a handle on things, I start to stabilize, and then 'Sticks goes off again about how suicidal he is, and I lose it all over again. The guilt that puts on a person is unfair, and certainly not the way to win back their heart. I could end his pain for him and give him new hope, but I won't... And I feel so soulless.

Monday

Yup, that's right, it's Monday folks. Now I know why none of my coworkers came out to watch Indy - one of the bosses had a birthday, and damn near everyone was out there. Maybe I wasn't invited because they all knew I had other plans, but it's a bit of a letdown not to even be invited and then see everyone on Facebook.
Oh, well.
My spirits are still high from that long chat and from the party. Friends are good for you, and I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin. But good god, there's a lot of leftover beer from the party! I've been invited to go camping for a friend's birthday next weekend, so I can probably donate to the cause there. I'm waiting to hear who else is going, though - I want there to be at least a few people if I'm going to go along. It's be a little weird otherwise. And I'd have to work out a ride, but the bribe of free beer (AFTER driving!) ought to help me out.

Indy!

Indiana Jones party was a big success. Turnout was small, but we had a great time. Old friends, new friends, and a guy I'd only met the day before. There was enough beer to fill the fridge (and it was still mostly full at the end!), a Smash Brothers Brawl intermission, and all four movies were watched. There are some photos up on Facebook, but I didn't have my camera out very long.
Popular demand is for a Games Night, so I'm gonna start planning one of those!

Thinking Again

I had a long conversation with my best friend, and he did a good job pointing some things out to me - things in front of my face that I just couldn't see on my own. The base line is that I need to find a way to feel confident other than wrapping guys around my little finger. When my ego is on the line, I tend to use the manipulation of men to help myself feel better, and this is bad both for using men and for the inability to self-soothe.

Lyric Snipets

"Peers don't know what they can't see
They can't see inside of me
It's sickening how comforting the privacy of the mind can be" - Eve 6

Excited

I'm almost over the cold, and the Indiana Jones party looks like it's going to be a success. Right now, things are looking good - lots of friends to hang out with.
I was also talking with a friend about maybe doing a weekend trip to the coast next week; this sounds great to me. I need to get out of town for a bit, but it is much better to go adventuring with someone than adventuring solo.

Pain

Currently Feeling: pain
My throat is burning with pain. I had to call out sick from work. I don't like this at all... Boo-hiss.
I'm taking the night off to get better, hopefully all will be right before Friday night.

Optimism

The mood swings are still getting out of control, but with the extreme lows comes the occasional high. I've been hearing back from folks about the Indy party, and along with several (expected) "can't make it"s, I've heard from several folks who are planning on coming over. This gives me something to look forward to, which is exactly what I need to keep me moving forward. Old friends and new friends, it's looking nice; maybe a neighbor and a coworker, too.

Tunes

Listening to an album you haven't heard in years has a wonderful calming effect for me: the comfort of something familiar but forgotten, and the catharsis that comes with listening to music in general. I'm feeling better; I need a daily dose of music to supplement the medications.

Containment

Currently Feeling: anxiety, frustration
I'm headed towards a dark place, and I don't want to go there. I hate going into a depression; it sucks. But right now fighting the depression is taking all the energy I've got. It seems so much easier to just let it happen and feel bad and do bad things for a while... And that's terrible to even be thinking that way. I don't like what I do when I hit that dark place, but I don't know how much more strength I've got to fight it. The negative impulses are getting harder to ignore. Why not just get on a bus to Seattle and find a hostel or something for a week? My employer finally credited me the 60+ hours of vacation time that has been in administrative-error-limbo for months. Or why not hitch-hike to the coast for that week? Why not go out to a bar and get shit-faced for breakfast on the weekend? It's not like I've got anything to stay on the straight-and-narrow for. I've got to give credit to 'Sticks for that one - he gave me a motivation to keep it together, someone to be strong for (even if I wasn't always very good at it). Now that that is gone, what's holding me back from pure impulse? The answer is not fucking much... My own rationality can only get me so far.

Off to Work

Currently Feeling: sleepy, pain
I'm getting ready for work; my weekend is over. My lower back is in a lot of pain, and I don't know why. I didn't get enough sleep (as usual), so I'm tired.

New Start

Currently Feeling: focused
I've been going through a rough patch in my life, following the end of a 4-year long romantic relationship. I've got a steady job with union benefits, so I'm financially secure for now. However, I'm seriously lacking an outlet for my frustrations/hang-ups/conflictions that are going on in the wake of Chopsticks. He's made it clear that for his own emotionally well-being, he needs to keep the title of 'friend' on Facebook, and so far I've been indulging him in that; I will probably continue to, as I do like to see what's going on in his world, too. But as a result, I can't post my personal business on Facebook because I don't feel comfortable unloading where he can see it.
Thus, I'm starting a blog. This is more of a personal space to air out some of the baggage I'm carrying, and to write out some of the dialogue that is always running in my head.

Currently Feeling: internal conflict, shame, guilt
It would be so easy for me to end his suffering, by sacrificing my own happiness. I could tell him to move back in, things are forgiven and forgotten, and pretend like this breakup never even occurred. But I can't do that. For purely selfish reasons I am making him suffer, and I feel much guilt and shame over it. I could end his suffering, but I just don't want to abandon all my hope and aspirations, and just settle for something that will only continue to hurt me. I can't sacrifice my happiness for his, and that makes me feel very soul-less. I'm a very giving, caring, compassionate person under the rough covering, and I feel guilty for not being willing to ease his pain.

Currently Feeling: conflict, curiosity, guilt
I've done very little going out and showcasing my singleness, so I've had very little attention directed my way. My therapist wants me to go out and find social activities to do, because I need that bond of friendship to keep me going through this stretch. I really really need friends right now, and my stock is pretty low. I've burned a lot of bridges over the years, and I've got a very small core of people I socialize with.
I'm trying to expand my circle of friends, but there's the complication of potential new friends being attractive guys. I'm starved for attention all around, and romantic interest is particularly intriguing but just not viable. I'm a mess, and I don't want to get anyone sucked into inevitable drama just because I'm needy. The rational side of my mind knows that any sort of relationship I might build would be temporary and shallow (rebound), and doesn't want any part of anything. There are also baser instincts at work, and feeling lonely makes me inclined to not care who's feeling got hurt along the way; I'm starved for attention and that part of me doesn't care where it comes from. Related to the rational side is the compassionate side that doesn't want anyone to get hurt by recklessness (which I am prone to); to indulge in something for instant gratification would leave a trail of broken things in its wake.

Currently Feeling: tired
My sleeping meds are starting to kick in, so I'd better stop while this is still relatively coherent. Thanks for reading, there should be more of these to come.