Lyric Snipets

"She pretends to her friends she's got somewhere to go
They don't ask where so they'll never know how she feels"
- Alana Davis

"And I'd give it all away just to have somewhere to go to"
- Linkin Park

Laundry

I hate doing laundry. As Dr. Horrible put it, it's a "stunningly boring chore." I like warm clean clothes, and I don't like wearing staff that's starting to get funky from not seeing the washer for too long, but I really just don't care enough to bother doing it very often. A few pairs of pants can survive over clean underwear. I own about 50 pairs of underwear, so that's how many days I can go between forced loads of laundry.
So, I nerve myself up to do some this morning - it's getting pretty shallow in the underwear box - and what does my hard work invite???


Yes, that's my cat laying on my pile of clean laundry! (Sorry, my camera is old and takes really poor video.)

Embarrassment

Why can't I shake the feeling that I'm making an absolute fool of myself? I'm sure that occasionally it's justified, but why won't that feeling go away? In most social situations these days, I come out of every verbal volley with that anxious heart race and facial flush that comes with embarrassing yourself. I'm not sure why I'm having such a run of social anxiety lately; I haven't had it this bad since high school. I suspect it's just another one of those things I picked up from my time with Chopsticks - a profound insecurity. I've never been good at taking complements, and have always responded awkwardly (one of those things that's been with me since my insult-ridden upbringing), but I have just about nil self-worth these days; I just feel stupid every time I open my mouth. That false bravado I used to be able to pull out of my back pocket on a whim is gone; I'm so unsure, so timid!

Idle

I'm in another state of limbo; I am adrift. My job seems reasonably secure right now, so I'm not letting myself stress over it. I'd rather there was a different dynamic at work, but it is what it is, and I'm doing my best to conform to the system.

My love life is still nil, but at least there's a little humor to it now: the other night, while getting a ride home from a friend with another drunk friend in tow, the drunk friend turns to me and (basically) goes: Hey, you know, it'd be cool if we could fuck. But you know, you really should sleep with my buddy here, he's the best friend in the world. The drunk's comments and the driver's silence could be interpreted in a variety of ways, but I don't really care to bother analyzing today.

I'm not sure where I'm going. I continuing my dead-end job (there's a TTL (boss) position opening up, but a) there's no way in hell I'd get promoted due to the backbiting and b) I'm genuinely not qualified.) My romantic life is nonexistent for now. My social calender leaves me a lot of empty time to fill...

And now, as per usual, off to bed~~~

"What A Scene" - Goo Goo Dolls

"What A Scene"

When you're feeling all wrong in the back of your mind again
How does it feel?
When you drop down, everything's all the same

Saccharine, caffeine, nicotine gum
Yeah, it tastes sweet, but it's not for long
And I just think you thought it would be

When you're looking for truth on the cover of a magazine
How does it feel
When you find out what you're not gonna be?

They give you your image and the things you believe
Open your eyes tell me what did you see
And I just think you thought it surreal

How does it feel when you're out on your own
And now it's too late to come home?
And it's hard to be free when you're down on your knees
Take it easy 'til you make it alone

Now you're a supermarket punk rock television comedy
Out on the scene
Yeah, I bit down, now there's no hand to feed

And all the beautiful images lining your walls
Pop radio screaming down the halls
Now you think you found something real

When it's all about money and the things that you need
Live a big lie and they all believe
Now I just find that somehow obscene

How does it feel when you're out on your own
And now it's too late to come home
And it's hard to be free when you're down on your knees
Take it easy 'til you make it alone
Take it easy 'til you make it alone

What a scene
Yeah
When it's all been said before
And all been done
Take it easy 'til you make it alone
Take it easy 'til you make it alone

Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah...etc
Lies weigh more than truth
Innocence looks good on you
Now everybody wants to know your name

Lying

Well, the blog-a-day plan fell through pretty quickly; going out of town doesn't help you keep plans. I had access to a computer, but I just wasn't thinking about it.
The trip to Eugene was nice. It was good to get out of my apartment for a while, and also good to see an old friend. We didn't do much, but it was still a good trip. We missed out on hanging out more due to both our weird sleep schedules.

I don't consider myself to be much of a liar. I tell the truth to the degree that most people are put off by how blunt I am. But when it comes to the question "how are you doing?" I rotely reply "fine." It doesn't matter what I'm really feeling, the socially acceptable answer to that question is "fine." I have a hard time reading social cues, so I don't really know when it's the proper time to open up and divulge more, so I almost always answer a simple "fine."
Am I really "fine"? Not usually. I'm either feeling pretty darn good, but don't want to brag or hold my doing well over someone who might not be having such a good day, or I'm doing really poorly and I don't want to ruin another's good mood. I was recently called out for this. I was feeling pretty mixed up, a lot of negative thoughts in my head, a lot of uncertainty, and I was asked how I was doing. "Fine." I was told that my eyes showed that to be a lie. It was true, and I could feel the hint of tears wanting to well up due to my feelings, but I didn't really know how to answer, because I so often keep what's going on to myself. This blog was created in an attempt to air things out, but I haven't been using it much. I didn't know what to do but retreat further into my mind and mumble "sorry."
Right now I'm home alone. Again. I hate it. ...I need to take a nap. I got up early to try to make myself some plans for tonight. I have a phone again, but very few of my friends' numbers, so I posted up online. The usual: no response. I got up early and got nothing out of it but being more tired and depressed now.
How am I going to deal tonight? I have to ask myself that question most nights. How many tricks can I pull out of my sleeve to keep my spirits up, or at least to distract myself long enough that the night passes? I've got two more episodes of SG:U to watch, and then I'm out of TV shows. I've already played a few hours of Fallout tonight, I don't really feel like playing more. I read 250 pages in two days of the 500 page book I'm reading, so I am a little burnt out with that... I only have one glass of wine in the house, so I won't drink my boredom away. Pills to calm me down? Nah, not tonight... I'll find some mundane tasks to string together to fill the time before I can go to bed again.

Eugene

I hate airplanes because they make me sick. I'm headed to spend a few days in Eugene, and I'm coming down with a head-cold.

Blog-A-Day

My sister informed me that in November, bloggers do a blog a day for the whole month. I'll be making an attempt to post daily.
First off, I'm currently without my phone. I lost it Saturday night at a party... It's frustrating to be cut off, even though I don't get that many calls anyway.
Last night at work was rough. I had to be involved in a couple of holds, and I'm banged up from it. My elbow is bruised from posting it on the ground; my wrist is clawed; my left shoulder and arm are sore and my hand numb from straining them in the holds; and my nerves are kinda shot from it all. Kids were up and violent from 4:30 on: that's a bad night. Lots of kids up and off track with not enough staff to safely manage them is worse... Yeah, it was the worse kind of night. Thankfully, there were no bodily fluids involved (except sweat)!