Run

The urge to flee is coming back again. The impulse to walk away and not look back. To leave it all behind me. Where I'm at and what I'm doing isn't getting me anywhere, so why keep at it? Why keep going through the motions? I'm emotionally checked out; I really don't care about much of anything. My cat, pretty much, I guess. I need to come home to care for her. I have no family, no loved ones, none of that, just a little white fluffball keeping me from making impulsive decisions. I know good choices from bad ones, the issue is do I care about the consequences? So far, the answer remains yes. I have the feeling that even though I don't care now, I will eventually, and I don't want to ruin it for my future self. That's what's been keeping me going in the general right direction for years now. But, here I am, that future self that I looked towards six years ago, and I'm still in the same spot I was back then. What was I holding out for? My strings of mostly good decisions haven't really gotten me very far, have they? For now, I'll continue to gamble on a fate that I'll get better, that I'll finally begin to care properly, but how long is this going to last me? When will I give up on that hope? What will happen to me when I do? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, I hardly know any answers. Who am I to try to help the kids that I work with? I know that what I preach doesn't work; at least it never has for me. Maybe they're different. Or maybe I'm different from them. That's what everyone wants, right? To be different, unique? That their troubles really are different from everyone else's, that there's a reasonable explanation why things haven't turned out right? I feel like my situation is different, but it likely is not. I'm probably experiencing what people have been going through for the span of our history; a sense of isolation coupled with a desire to be a part of something. An impulse to act against the system, all the while wishing that you fit into it somewhere. I don't really know where I'm going with all this, but then I don't really know where I'm going ever. I know my routine, but what will happen when that day comes that I shatter it? When I take that bus across the country instead of across town? When I walk away from it all? Will that even happen, or will I stay vaguely contented to keep dreaming? We'll see...

Why am I getting so dark again? I've been in a decent space for a while now, but I feel things taking a wrong turn. I wonder if it's the new medicine that I'm on, or the lack of good long sleep? I've been waking up hours early this last week. It could be from this unending chest cold, or from the change in medications, or some other things that I haven't thought of yet. I need my friends... I need people to keep me on the healthy path and not spiraling down. The urge to just numb it all away with a handful of pills is a strong temptation, but it's easier to resist when there's something worth feeling - something like the happiness of hanging out with good people instead of the dull monotony of sitting at home alone and bored on my computer...

It's about noon now, so off to bed.