Lying

Well, the blog-a-day plan fell through pretty quickly; going out of town doesn't help you keep plans. I had access to a computer, but I just wasn't thinking about it.
The trip to Eugene was nice. It was good to get out of my apartment for a while, and also good to see an old friend. We didn't do much, but it was still a good trip. We missed out on hanging out more due to both our weird sleep schedules.

I don't consider myself to be much of a liar. I tell the truth to the degree that most people are put off by how blunt I am. But when it comes to the question "how are you doing?" I rotely reply "fine." It doesn't matter what I'm really feeling, the socially acceptable answer to that question is "fine." I have a hard time reading social cues, so I don't really know when it's the proper time to open up and divulge more, so I almost always answer a simple "fine."
Am I really "fine"? Not usually. I'm either feeling pretty darn good, but don't want to brag or hold my doing well over someone who might not be having such a good day, or I'm doing really poorly and I don't want to ruin another's good mood. I was recently called out for this. I was feeling pretty mixed up, a lot of negative thoughts in my head, a lot of uncertainty, and I was asked how I was doing. "Fine." I was told that my eyes showed that to be a lie. It was true, and I could feel the hint of tears wanting to well up due to my feelings, but I didn't really know how to answer, because I so often keep what's going on to myself. This blog was created in an attempt to air things out, but I haven't been using it much. I didn't know what to do but retreat further into my mind and mumble "sorry."
Right now I'm home alone. Again. I hate it. ...I need to take a nap. I got up early to try to make myself some plans for tonight. I have a phone again, but very few of my friends' numbers, so I posted up online. The usual: no response. I got up early and got nothing out of it but being more tired and depressed now.
How am I going to deal tonight? I have to ask myself that question most nights. How many tricks can I pull out of my sleeve to keep my spirits up, or at least to distract myself long enough that the night passes? I've got two more episodes of SG:U to watch, and then I'm out of TV shows. I've already played a few hours of Fallout tonight, I don't really feel like playing more. I read 250 pages in two days of the 500 page book I'm reading, so I am a little burnt out with that... I only have one glass of wine in the house, so I won't drink my boredom away. Pills to calm me down? Nah, not tonight... I'll find some mundane tasks to string together to fill the time before I can go to bed again.