Containment

Currently Feeling: anxiety, frustration
I'm headed towards a dark place, and I don't want to go there. I hate going into a depression; it sucks. But right now fighting the depression is taking all the energy I've got. It seems so much easier to just let it happen and feel bad and do bad things for a while... And that's terrible to even be thinking that way. I don't like what I do when I hit that dark place, but I don't know how much more strength I've got to fight it. The negative impulses are getting harder to ignore. Why not just get on a bus to Seattle and find a hostel or something for a week? My employer finally credited me the 60+ hours of vacation time that has been in administrative-error-limbo for months. Or why not hitch-hike to the coast for that week? Why not go out to a bar and get shit-faced for breakfast on the weekend? It's not like I've got anything to stay on the straight-and-narrow for. I've got to give credit to 'Sticks for that one - he gave me a motivation to keep it together, someone to be strong for (even if I wasn't always very good at it). Now that that is gone, what's holding me back from pure impulse? The answer is not fucking much... My own rationality can only get me so far.