New Start

Currently Feeling: focused
I've been going through a rough patch in my life, following the end of a 4-year long romantic relationship. I've got a steady job with union benefits, so I'm financially secure for now. However, I'm seriously lacking an outlet for my frustrations/hang-ups/conflictions that are going on in the wake of Chopsticks. He's made it clear that for his own emotionally well-being, he needs to keep the title of 'friend' on Facebook, and so far I've been indulging him in that; I will probably continue to, as I do like to see what's going on in his world, too. But as a result, I can't post my personal business on Facebook because I don't feel comfortable unloading where he can see it.
Thus, I'm starting a blog. This is more of a personal space to air out some of the baggage I'm carrying, and to write out some of the dialogue that is always running in my head.

Currently Feeling: internal conflict, shame, guilt
It would be so easy for me to end his suffering, by sacrificing my own happiness. I could tell him to move back in, things are forgiven and forgotten, and pretend like this breakup never even occurred. But I can't do that. For purely selfish reasons I am making him suffer, and I feel much guilt and shame over it. I could end his suffering, but I just don't want to abandon all my hope and aspirations, and just settle for something that will only continue to hurt me. I can't sacrifice my happiness for his, and that makes me feel very soul-less. I'm a very giving, caring, compassionate person under the rough covering, and I feel guilty for not being willing to ease his pain.

Currently Feeling: conflict, curiosity, guilt
I've done very little going out and showcasing my singleness, so I've had very little attention directed my way. My therapist wants me to go out and find social activities to do, because I need that bond of friendship to keep me going through this stretch. I really really need friends right now, and my stock is pretty low. I've burned a lot of bridges over the years, and I've got a very small core of people I socialize with.
I'm trying to expand my circle of friends, but there's the complication of potential new friends being attractive guys. I'm starved for attention all around, and romantic interest is particularly intriguing but just not viable. I'm a mess, and I don't want to get anyone sucked into inevitable drama just because I'm needy. The rational side of my mind knows that any sort of relationship I might build would be temporary and shallow (rebound), and doesn't want any part of anything. There are also baser instincts at work, and feeling lonely makes me inclined to not care who's feeling got hurt along the way; I'm starved for attention and that part of me doesn't care where it comes from. Related to the rational side is the compassionate side that doesn't want anyone to get hurt by recklessness (which I am prone to); to indulge in something for instant gratification would leave a trail of broken things in its wake.

Currently Feeling: tired
My sleeping meds are starting to kick in, so I'd better stop while this is still relatively coherent. Thanks for reading, there should be more of these to come.